wow.. i feel so cool now. if you are the lucky numbere 2000, comment this and i'll send you a crisp hundred dollar bill.
of course this counter is kinda deceptive. i think the count rises every time someone checks the comments or hits an archived post and all that jazz. so maybe i'm not all that cool
i finished the drawing of the three a few days ago. next is the book that megan got me for my b-day, the rule of four by ian caldwell and dustin thomason.
i've got toto finishing up my 80's love... unless i decide to keep it up
a year ago, i was in a situtation that left me feeling pretty different than most everyone else here in happy valley. there were a few special friends that understood me and i felt normal just the same around them, but with others... they didn't judge me or anything... most of them didn't even know, i felt different and like an outsider nonetheless. to cope with this, i took pride in being different. this was especially true the last few months of it. most of my close friends had moved out or temporarily parted ways. this left me feeling really different and quite alone.
as i said, to cope with this, i began to glorify myself as being different. nothing outward, mostly just inside. a few months later and my ordeal was over. i wasn't all that different anymore. the desire to be different still remained. i had to act out, brag about, and exagerate my differences in order to remain the unique snowflake i wanted to be. the problem was, as people got to know and accept me... i had to try harder to be different.
i'm more out going and happier now, but i think that's more of a result of finishing what i went through. for much of it, i don't like what i've become. i noticed this a lot after i moved. i also really noticed this a month or so ago when i first met with sara. she wanted to know who loyd was and i set out to paint a picture of this out-there freak. in some ways i feel like i'm a caricature of this image i set out to be. a person who i really don't care for. i don't want to be the same as anyone. i don't want to be different. i just want to be me.
another great help in making me realize this were some pretty straight-forward words from someone i trust, who loves me, had seen this change, and could say it without hurting me. thanks.
took emily out for lunch today (she's the girl i met at the bonfire saturday night). had a good time. she's in her third year at byu majoring in english, she was in japan for six weeks during highschool as an exchange student, and for the first time in several months, she's someone i might actually want to take out again.
this should be **************** at the same time, i find myself ************ still ************* couple weeks ***************. **************** now. a couple times ************** bite my tongue ********** myself back *************************** too soon. i want so badly to **************** just can't. i'm scared ****************** and ***********************will be... ********* late.
too many people read this now so i can't get too personal. i'll have to edit this later. it just feels good to type out my emotions every now and then.
[randomly edited by loyd]
...after editing, this is like one of those mad-lib books. just fill in the blanks.
guido orefice
watched life is beautiful tonight with some friends. this movie was just awesome and won it's spot in my favorites list. guido is just awesome. almost always optimistic, he tries his hardest to lift the spirits of his wife and son as they go through the tragic events of the holocaust. if he weren't so good at being happy, i would have bawled my eyes out. the movie is sad, but happy at the same time. anyone and everyone should see this.
jeez... i'm just all full of posts right now.
got a new calling today... war executive secretary.. again...
it's funny how the lord will give you the calling that you least want. just minutes before i got my calling, i mentioned to a friend that i absolutely did not want that calling. (the same thing happened with my mission call to hawaii). when they told me which calling they wanted me to serve, i didn't know what to say. i almost said no, but i knew i would hate myself if i did. i told the high counselor that i needed some time to pray about it. to get my heart and mind in the right setting. i didn't want to accept (and especially sustained) unless i was fully into it. i prayed most of sacrament meeting and met with the bish to discuss what he would require. i feel good about it now.
saw this fine flick a few days ago. paris (aka legolas (aka orlando bloom)) is a total wuss through most of the whole movie. hector (aka the hulk (aka delta stud in blackhawk down (aka eric bana))) is just the perfect good guy. achilles (aka tyler durden (aka a whole lotta other great characters (aka brad pitt))) just kicks ass. helen (aka some chick) never smiles. besides hector, there are no real heroes. no real good guy. no real bad guys. just tragic war with a tragic ending. great movie though.
if you've seen the movie, check out the fifteen minute version here for some good laughs.
i finished reading the metaphysical club today. it was much more interesting than i thought it would be. rather than being a story of holmes, james, pierce, and dewey and their influence on american thought, the book covers dozens of early intellectuals, their many intertwinings, and their infulence and reaction to racism, freedom of thought, politics in economy, education, and government. i'd recommend it to any nerd like me.
my next reading is to finish stephen king's the drawing of three which i started a while back, but got busy with school and never finished reading.
started off with a trip to the gym and was able to get a good workout in. my body's not sore anymore from my workout earlier this week. rested for a bit after. worked for a while. it was actually kinda busy for a while so that kept me from getting bored to death. went up to the canyon for a bonfire to finish the night. there was a cute girl there who i talked with for a while and got her phone number. i just don't meet many girls that i want to take out anymore. i dunno if it's because the bar has now been raised or what. i'll prolly take her out once and find her totally uninteresting. oh well. i'm young.
speaking of dating. here's a fun blog.
i had one of those dreams last night. those dreams where everything is turning out the way you want. it's perfect. your dream is coming true. then you wake up and realize it wasn't real. then the question comes... do you want to fall back asleep and hopefully live the fantasy some more, or is it better to stay awake as to not get disappointed again.
now that i've got all this time on my hand, i decided that i'm going to spend at least 2 hours every weekday studying philosophy (which is fun for me anyways). hopefully, this will keep my brain from totally dying before classes start again in a month.
i think i'll begin by finishing off my two logic books that we didn't finish last semester.
i've got some time on my hands, so here are some more thoughts.
suicide
one of my friends killed himself in highschool. he had some imbalances going on and he took his own life. are people who kill themselves held accountable for their actions? some people say that they were under such mental and emotional anguish that they should be held accountable. perhaps this is the case for some. i dunno. i haven't killed myself (obviously) so i don't know how it is. a full pardon seems to be a bit easy though. to me it seems that there is some selfishness involved with suicides. a parent leaving their children and loved ones behind. a teenager doing it for revenge. or someone who just didn't want to tough it up. again, i don't know what it's like. i'm sure it's different for everyone. i just think granting them all a full pardon for murdering themselves seems a bit too easy.
death penalty
beyond a few rare cases, the death penalty is morally wrong. just because someone has taken another's life gives us no right to take their life. jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. not to bitch-slap them right back.
but it's in the old testament! so are a lot of other laws that jesus did away with. he did away with an-eye-for-an-eye (which was actually a law concerning what the most could be done as punishment, not as a law on what to do) and replaced it with forgiveness and love.
it costs too much to hold them in prison for life! from my understanding and reading, because of the appeal process, it actually costs more to put a person to death than it does ot hold them in a life sentance. even if it did save money, since when has saving a buck been an excuse to kill someone. sounds a bit like what cain learned to make himself master mahan, the ability to kill for persona gain.
it deters crime! does the thought "i'll only get a life sentance instead of the death-penalty" ever cross the mind of someone before he kills someone? studies have shown that violent crimes increase in places where capital punishment is installed and decreases where it is stopped. rather than detering crime, capital punishment teaches a lesser value of the life of a person. it teaches that it's ok to kill.
what are the few cases? a few thousand years ago, there were no such things as maximum security prisons. today it is (for the most part) feasible to keep prisoners in a life sentance without endangering others. however, there are some, such as the dahmers, mcveighs, and (the fictional) lechters that our so dangerous that nobody is safe around them. these, i believe, can be subject to the death penalty. i also think that those who kill in attempts to escape incarceration could be subject to capital punishment.
no. if we knew who our parents were going to be in the pre-existance, then our parents getting together and doing the naughty was destined and inevitable. that might sound fine for most of us, but if this were true, then for some persons it was necessary from the beginning that they be conceived by rape, incest, and pre-marital sex (or all of the above).
this denial leads to some other things as well. if our parents were not foreknown, then our pre-mortal spirits did not resemble our mortal bodies. our genetics control how we look. we get our genes from our parents, blah blah blah, you can figure out the rest. i guess you could say that there are enough spirit persons, that god can match spirits to their genetic match at conception, but that just seems unlikely.
what about jesus appearing to the brother of jared? i dunno. maybe since god knew jesus would be his son, he knew already how he would look. this brings up another question though. if jesus were also the genetic son of mary, how could jesus look exactly like his father? i guess that maybe mary could have been the female genetic match of god the father, or that the genes worked together just perfectly to make the father and son identical. or maybe jesus is a genetic clone of his father? sure it sounds like science fiction, but doesn't two beings descending from the sky in a pillar of light (js first vision) sound a bit like science fiction.
maggie's aunt passed away last week from cancer. she (maggie, not her aunt) asked me last night how i felt about death. even though i had a brief semi-goth period in highschool and i dressed up gothic for fun some nights, i was never one to dwell on it. depression and suffering are much more fun to fill your mind with ;). besides a month in highschool where three friends died (suicide, illness, climbing accident) and a pair of dead dogs, i've never really had to face it. all my family on my dad's side is still alive, both my mom's parents have passed, but having never really known them, it affected me little. so ayways, here are my thoughts...
death just happens
i think the main way i look at death is pretty much my shit happens view on life. i don't think god necessarily plans our deaths. just like everything else in our lives, the timing of our passing is not certain. we just die. some people die too young, others live too long. we aren't born with our time of death already set. some deaths happen by accidents, others we bring on ourselves with disease, and i think that others have god's hand in happening (i.e. ro relieve suffering).
is death good?
yes and no. if someone is suffering from a terminal disease or something similar, i think death is can be a good thing. if someone is so old that they cannot care for themselves and are pretty much a burden on everyone around them, then death can be both a blessing to them and their loved ones. because of this, i think euthanizing the terminally ill and elderly can be moral and should be allowed.
death can really suck too
for the loved ones of those who have died, death usually sucks. even with the realizing that their suffering is over, it can and should be painful to have them gone. even worse is for those who die too young. car accidents, suicide, disease, and other things can take the lives of persons who had so much more to offer in the world. it can be a sudden loss for the loved ones and a life left unfulfilled for those who die. sure, they might be in a better place, or have a different mission to fulfill, but if that were so, then we should all be dying sooner. just like my stubbed toe, deaths can just happen without any purpose. it sucks. it's unexpected. it hurts a lot. god did not plan it. it's just up to us on how we are going to deal with it.
aint jesus the coolest?
as hard at it is, at least we can have the hope that it isn't the end.
what about?
some people find relief in believing that death is something planned and foreknown by god. perhaps it's because i don't believe in god's absolute foreknowledge... i just don't see how it can help. if it were true, i'd find myself constantly searching for why this had to happen and i'd prolly find myself unimpressed with the answers. i'd hate to believe that the timing of my death was certain and that i ultimately had no control on how or when it would happen.
wow... in priesthood today, we were talking about being examples. after 3 or 4 minutes, i was as bored as it gets. usually, i'm pretty good and getting a discussion going, but there was just nothing to say. all i could do was look out the window and think of the mexican fiesta meal i was going to be eating later...
i've been kinda thinking i should take an institute class, but i don't want to get bored in there either. it would be a good fill of some of my empty time i have during the day
beggars at temple square... gotta love 'em.
jesus said so.
went and saw van helsing tonight with some friends. it's a fun movie. the special effects and cgi are great and the action was non stop. not too many one-liners either. the story was a little forced and much of it concerning van helsing's past was pointless and dissapointing. the romance also seemed forced.
overall it was a fun action-flick. now if van helsing had a whip... then it would have been my favorite video game come to life.
i somehow got a 'b' in astronomy. skill? nope... just luck.
that brings my gpa to a 3.62
astr 1010 b (astronomy)
phil 1250 a- (logical thinking)
phil 1610 a (western religions)
phil 1620 b+ (eastern religions) sorry mom
phil 3000 a (deductive logic)
my blog has got a new look! i'll be touching it up more and more the next few days. tell me what you think i should add, remove, change etc...
while hyrum and i were out talking with some girls tonight, i came to the realization that i've been a lousy brother lately. before bobby got home, i thought all my childish name calling and such would be over when he returned. not quite. it started right up when he got off the plane. i'm not sure why i'm doing it. chris and i never had this problem when i returned. perhaps it's my way to ensure my position as the alpha brother and he as the omega brother. perhaps i just enjoyed having him back so much that i returned to how we used to act with eachother. or maybe i've forgotten how it is to be a recently returned missionary trying to adapt with the real world again and have let myself become frustrated as he is trying to adapt (which is he doing far better than many rms i have known). whatever the reason is, i'm going to be a better big brother now.
wow. absolutely loved this book. it's the (true?) story of a 16 year old boy who's lost at sea in a lifeboat for seven months. as i have said previously, i was kinda skeptical when i bought this book, but a few pages into it the main character, piscine (pi) patel, had me hooked. i would definitely recommend this to anyone and everyone.
next up is the metaphysical club: a story of ideas in america which tells of four great american thinkers: holmes, james, pierce, and dewey and how their ideas changed the way we think today
we were going over mosiah 9 today in sunday school and well.... my views of zeniff changed a lot. i used to think he was this great king, but now i see him as over-zealous, prideful king who let his idea of manifest destiny (a serious problem in all religious-based land arguements) lead his people to near-destruction. no wonder his son noah turned out to be such a bitch.
vs 1. zeniff is a spy trying to regain a land the nephite's hadn't occupied for almost a hundred years. he realizes that the lamanites aren't all that bad. he thinks it best not to kill them.
vs 2. zeniff decides to kill a lot of his army instead.
vss 3-5. after killing eachother, zeniff and his left-over army have a power trip and decide they are going to politely ask for the land
vss 6,7. the lamanites just get up and kindly give up their land to zeniff. honestly now... would thye just give it up cuz zeniff asked. no. zeniff was backed with a blood-thirsty army who had just finished killing their own brothers, sons, and fathers. who would stay and fight an army like that? (hmm reminds me of some palestinians who nicely gave their homes and lands to foreign jews who were backed with a few army's who had just finished kicking some trash)
vss 8,9. they start using the land and they prosper. obvious signs of karma. god must be really pleased with them.
vss 10,11. how dare the lamanites wish to have their land back which they were kicked out of. (how dare the palestinians wish to have their homes back in israel)
vs 12. very typical racist language.
vss 13-16. this is what happens when you kick people out of their homes. they don't like it a whole lot.
vss 17-19. manifest destiny at work. it's our god-given land. we won, therefore we are more righteous than you lazy lamanites. (replace lamanites with palestinians)
no wonder zeniff's son noah thought prosperity was a sign of righteousness.
ammon and aaron... different missionary tactics. different results.
in priesthood we discussed how we could be better missionaries. the usual replies were "share your testimony with everyone and ask everyone to meet with the missionaries... blah blah blah." is this the best route to take? i think not. instead of focusing so much on mission work, i think we need to focus more on people work. if we are unwilling to help someone with a flat tire just to be nice... who are we to help someone learn about the gospel? i brought up ammon and aaron as prime examples of how to and not to share the gospel.
ammon's tactic (alma 17,18): ammon goes to serve and love them. he truly cares about these people and wants to be their friends. they love him back and want to learn about him and his beliefs
aaron's tactic (alma 21): aaron basically goes straight in and tells them they are sinning and need to repent. they throw aaron in jail
see a difference? lucky for aaron, ammon saves his butt and he get's a second chance where he uses ammon's tactic and learnes to truly love and serve first. success follows.
i was in a kind of a bummer mood for a while tonight, i'm not sure why. i think i was just tired and recovering from a long day of work. i later went out for some hawaiin ice with megan and sarah and that helped a lot. (sorry i was acting all wierd... thanks for lifting my spirits :) ). afterwards i went to a girls' apartment in my ward where we had been invited to go play some games. (silent football... to much to explain, but hella fun) and then kicked backed and talked for a couple hours. i'm feeling fine now, i think, and now feel dumb for being a bum earlier.
friends... not the sitcom
i've seriously got some of the best friends and the best friend right now. aint it great.
i think i'm gonna do some handwritten journaling now, read some scriptures, and get to bed...
derek had a four day leave from the army reserves, but his car broke down in the middle of b.f.e. nad he's stuck now. luckily, one of his friends in fort carson is going to drive and get him and then help him tow his car tomorrow. it's too bad, cuz i was really looking forward to seeign him. he's been active since the middle of february last year... all in fort carson. it's kinda good he didn't go over-seas, but it kinda sux too, cuz then it would be a change of environment and something he could actually right home about. he's a great guy and a great friend. because of him, i get offended when i hear someone speak ill of those who didn't serve missions or act like they are any less than a returned missionary. he's the only active person in his immediate family and wasn't raised with the influence to serve one. he's still a great guy and is a hell of a lot better than a lot of returned missionaries i know. hopefully he'l be able to make it next week for tory's reception.
now that i'm not taking any classes until mid-june, i'm gonna have some free time to spend. this will give me a chance to knock some books off my shelf so i don't feel so bad about buying new ones. i'll also have some time to do some mentoring that i've always wanted to do. i'll have to look up the united way again and see where i can help.
birthday at the cabin
my birthday is in a few weeks and i decided i'm gonna get a bunch of us to hit my parents cabin that night. it'll prolly be pretty packed this time which will be hella fun.
goals
i've been doing pretty good so far these last four days. missed two days in a row at the gym though. i was about to go tonight, but ended up going to happy-hour for a few minutes and then hanging out with some girls in my ward. i'll go in the morning tomorrow.
still nothing
maybe i'm getting dumber. maybe i'm more reserved. maybe i'm boring now. maybe nobody is pissing me off (or is not worth mentioning). or maybe i just have nothing going on. i'll think of something good to rage about. it's just building up for a huge-ass post that'll blow you all away.
i really don't like being lied to... especially by my friends. i just don't get it. maybe never will
forgiveness is divine
on an unrelated note.... i don't hold grudges, i try to forgive people whether they deserve it or not. life's too short to be angry all of the time (american history x). i forgave this kid, and tried to extinguish any hard feelings against him, but lately (especially last night at work) i've been finding out more and more crap that he was going around saying about me. what did i ever do to him?
so i first thought my class was tuesday's and thursedays 1- 2:30, then i think it's mwf 1-2:30, today i check to make sure and find out it's 2-3:30 which would realyl clash with my work schedule, but i also found that it'll nicely fit into my fall schedule... so it looks like i won't have any classes until mid-june which will give me more time to work and stufs
"things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do? you must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it."
--the life of pi (sounds kinda like my shit happens look at life)
hinduism, islam, christianity, atheism, zoos, animal abuse, animal care, the goodness and evil of men, and a transgendered beauty queen (oh wait, the last is from invisible monsters) what does this book not have to like? i was a bit skeptical at first when i bought this book, but i am really enjoying it. i'm about a third way through the book and it seems it'll just be getting better
prayer
when life is tough my prayers seem to be so much more, when life is good (as it is now) they tend to be meaningless blabbing. two new goals...
1. pray every morning
2. pray more sincerely. as if god were my buddy (which he is), sitting next to me, listening and talking back
ok, so i'm checking my schedule to find out what time my class was tomorrow and realized i have monday-wednesday-friday classes, not tuesday-thurseday as i thought i did..... whoops...
new ward
i really think i'm gonna like it here. the people are a lot of fun and social, the girls are pretty, and this place is just so much better than where i lived before (which i heard has gotten better). it's kinda different right now. being new, we're kinda of on the outside rather than the middle of the social scene as we were in crestwood. i'm sure that'll change over time if i just be me.
i do miss some of my crestwood friends though, the ones that were social and would always come over to visit.
1. go to the gym at least 5 times a week
2. read at least a little from the book of mormon and from a non-lds scripture (quran, bhagavad gita, etc...) every night
3. no more eating after 9:30 unless it's a social thing (don't wanna turn into a gremlin)
4. cut back from the fast food
that's enough for now. i've been feeling sluggish lately, so i think getting a healthier diet and excersizing more often will help that, plus my gut is starting to return as somebody nicely pointed out to me with a pillsbury doughboy poke to the belly button
church
didn't make it to my new ward today because levi was getting blessed, so i went to chris and nancy's ward to participate with that. jake and joe said the ward was very nice though. i've got a break the fast coming up, so i guess i'll see if it's true.
i decided i'm gonna read life of pi. i guess conversations with god starts off good, but gets gayer as it goes on. gayer than a bunch of naked guys having gay sex...
everyone..... back in the pile.
i only have one class the first half of the summer term, so i think i'm gonna have plenty of time to knock some books off my shelf. with some good sunny weather, i'll be flying through books in no time.
grades
three of my grades have posted so far...
western religions = a
easterd religions = b+
deductive logic = a
