attending institute

well, i found an institute teacher who i actually enjoy attending... and i have almost perfect attendence (even though i am not on the attendence roll). i'm not sure what his name is, but he's pretty cool. i'm not positive, but i think he has some sort of ancient language degree from a non-byu school. the last time i attended institute before this, i asked a question about god's foreknowledge. the institute made fun of me with a joke, everyone laughed, and i hadn't attended since. so anyways, this new guy is pretty cool. he's got a lot of insight into israelite customs and the book of mormon which i haven't noticed before, plus he seems pretty open about questioning popular beliefs and other hang-ups i have had. so yeah, institute really isn't all that bad.

the passion revisited

i decided to watch the passion again for easter today... and yes i cried again. this was the first time i had seen it all the way through since i originally saw it. i still loved it. the relationship portrayed in the movie between jesus and his mother is beautiful and the jim cavaziel's pleading for the soldiers' and pharisees' forgiveness choked me up.

the film had me thinking again though. why did christ have to be physically tortured? with the (common) lds view where the suffering for our sins occurs in gethsemene, where does the beating and crucifixion fit in? perhaps the answer is that the physical torture and death did not have to happen. it just happened. what christ was experiencing was the unfortunate aspect of life we all experience, sh**. that's right, sh** happens. perhaps what was happening here was the ultimate primer to the question, "why do bad things happen to good people?". usually there is no answer. there is no reason. **it just happens.
there are some things we can take from this though. first of all, **it happens to all of us. nobody is free. god lets **it happen to the best and worst of people. we should not assume, as the man who helped christ carry the cross did, that a person is guilty of something just because **it is happening to them. rather, we should refrain from judging and help them out of **it. second, **it doesn't have to happen. we can stop **it. it is out duty to see that **it does happen, and when it does, it is our duty to help others out of **it. we especially should not be inflicting **it on others.

christ came to redeem and liberate the downtrodden, poor, and oppressed. in the process, he not only took on their infirmities, he became one of them. it should be our duty as christians to follow him and free those around us. it's time to lift others instead of ourselves.

do i look fat in these?

there is nothing like trying on women's clothing to make you feel fat. i realized that i really need to start eating healthy and hitting the gym more often so i made a goal to start this last monday, but then i got sick. nothing terrible, but enough to make me want to lay in bed and not diet. i'm guessing i got it from my nephew. i was holding him up so he could play superman, and he drooled directly into my mouth. something had to be wrong, because it didn't taste good.

so anyways... i'm still feelin a bit cruddy. hopefully i'll be well enough either late tonight or at least tomorrow to start hitting the gym and losing this gut.

the good thing is... i'm not as fat as either of my brothers. haha!

all are alike unto god: toscano and derr

here is the first of my write-ups on the mormon studies conference, all are alike unto god: mormonism and social justice. this was written for my feminism class, so the writing may sound a little less personal.

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the presentations of margaret toscano and jill mulvay derr at the mormon studies conference nicely complemented each other in many ways. the former spoke as a mormon excommunicated from the lds church for her feminist views, the latter spoke as a mormon directing the lds church’s joseph fielding smith institute for latter-day saint history who specializes in mormon women and feminist histories.

the first to speak was margaret toscano. in her talk, toscano discussed the loss of identity she felt as a mormon female. this loss came primarily from a distributive inequality. according to her, in lds terms, ‘equality’ referred to an equal access of goodness. however, this was a contradiction because there are certain aspects of goodness in mormonism that cannot be attained by women because of the mormon distribution of power by gender.

toscano then gave a couple examples that shows while lds leaders are trying to push an equality of goodness, there still remain a strong inequality of power. the first example came from an address given by lds church president, gordon hinckley. in this talk, hinckley stressed the equal values and goodness of men and women as they serve different roles in their religious lives. according to toscano, this was in equality of power because the roles of men and women are determined by men. in other words, the men in the church tell the women out to live. not vice versa. the other examples came from pages from the official church magazine, the ensign. while women are given more presence and value in the pages of the magazine, their still remains a male priesthood looming over them. they are still subordinate to the male leadership.

toscano closed with her thoughts on what could greatly break the inequality and loss of identity. the two main thoughts were the opening of discussion and worship of the divine feminine which is largely an essential aspect of mormonism and the re-separation of the church’s women’s organization, the relief society from the leadership of the male priesthood.

following toscano, jill mulvay derr gave a presentation of the early mormon women’s leader, eliza r snow. a polygamous wife of both church founder, joseph smith and pioneer leader, brigham young, snow spoke greatly on her discovery of identity within the mormon religion. the sources of this identity were the very things that toscano sought in their absence.

in her poem and hymn “invocation to the father and mother” (later re-named “oh my father”), snow first penned which she would later talk frequently about: her mother in heaven. snow found much identity with the mormon belief. not only was she a daughter of god, she was a daughter of a heavenly mother. she had a divine parent that she could emulate in the fullest. in her poetry and her talks to other women (and men), snow stressed the importance of the relationship women should have with their divine mother.

furthermore, snow led the women as the president of the relief society. unlike today, the relief society was not under the direction of the male priesthood, but was considered a completely separate and self-governed organization. snow was seen and revered as a priestess and ‘presidentess’ among the women (and men) of the church. through this calling, snow had a pulpit in which she could empower the women around her.

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i would love to see the empowerment of women in eliza snow’s day a realization today. however, i am not sure how possible it is anymore. because of the correlation of pretty much everything under the priesthood, i wonder what would happen if discussion and worship of my mother in heaven were to become more open in the church and if the relief society was once again separated from the male priesthood. has the power structure in the church evolved to a point where it is no longer possible to facilitate these things?

euthanize me

in light of the whole terri schiavo ordeal, i figured it would be best to make my wishes known. i don't want my family taking their drama to federal courts.

kill me.

if i am a vegetable, pull out the feeding tube. let me die. heck, even if i am not a vegetable, if i am to that point where i'm more of a burden than than a little child... kill me. if i need help wiping my butt, kill me. if i have to have my hand held to cross the road, kill me. if i would die if i was left alone to take care of myself, then just let me die.

there. now we can avoid a lot of trouble.

walking out of priesthood meeting

i’m not the fondest of my elders quorum president. he cries. he recites poetry. he cries some more. then comes another poem. he tells us how spiritual he was during the week and then he sheds a few more tears. usually i just sit back, try to ignore it, and enjoy the remaining fifteen minutes after he sits down and lets the teacher speak. this week he went to far.

at first, it seemed like things might be better than usual. three or four minutes had passed and he had not yet recited a poem nor had he cried. my hopes were soon shot down. president a--- begins to discuss how elder porter of the seventy mentioned in a stake leadership meeting that many girls at byu go through their four year experience at byu. to solve this problem, the relief society president was going to ask all of the girls that were not dating if they want to be asked out. then, after making a list, the men in the ward would ask these girls out on ward sponsored dates. this whole discussion really began to bother me. first of all, it doesn’t seem to me that the priesthood should have any role in organizing and paying for pity dates (and yes, the girls would know that they were being taken on dates out of pity). second, even if the they somehow justify it, an open discussion with all of the guys in the ward about it is hardly appropriate. this should have been discussed on a one-on-one basis with the guys on the ward. so that the whole ordeal for the girls is not public knowledge.

so there i was, sitting in the front and contemplating whether or not i even wanted to be a part of this meeting. just as i decided to stay, president a--- crossed the line. after implying that nobody wants to take these girls out on dates, he says “they are cute girls… well, ok, only some of them are cute…ok, they all have sweet spirits.” that was too much for me. i got out and left.

after the meetings were over, i stopped by president a---‘s apartment and told him exactly how i felt. i let him know that the whole thing and especially his comments were inappropriate and offensive. i did not want to go to my priesthood meetings to hear crap like that. he apologized and thanked me for letting him know how i felt. i wished him a good day and left.

i later found out today, that president a--- went around to every guy’s apartment in the ward and apologized for his comments.

new book

up next on my reading list is maxine hanks' women and authority: re-emerging mormon feminism. i'm done with the first couple chapters and it seems like it will be a really interesting read.

the lord's university: freedom and authority at byu was pretty good. the book is set up so that each chapter deal with a different issue of academic freedom at the school. becasue of this there is a lot of overlap in each chapter which sometimes makes the story drag a bit. while reading it, i went frequently switched between anger, sadness, disgust, and humor as each story opened up. i find it quite unfortunate that there are some at byu and in the community who are so pharisaic that they feel they must silence the voices of others at byu. i was especially disgusted with the treatment of feminists at byu by both the students and the administration. the book cuts off in the mid 1990's, so i'm interested in what the state of the school is today with these issues.

i also finished black and mormon by darren smith and newell bringhurst. i'll write more about it when i actually write up my long-promised review of the mormon studies conference

5 hours as a woman

for 5 hours, i experienced a life i never before thought possible. i was a woman. through this short experiment for my feminism class, i learned how damn hard it is to carry two ‘x’ genes.

my first hour as a woman took place in search of the perfect outfit. ok, it wasn’t for the perfect outfit. i was at d.i. looking for the outfit that would transform me.

when shopping for clothes as a male (which i also do at d.i.), finding the right clothes is simply finding the right clothes at the right size. it’s rather simple. men’s clothes (for the most part) are not form-fitting; they simply cover the body with a little room to spare. trying on women’s clothing is not so easy. besides the total awkwardness of being a guy who is picking out and trying on women’s clothing, this was a difficult experience. women’s clothing are form fitting. my shoulders were too big. my stomach too fat. my arms too round. my chest too flat. everything i tried on made me feel like grimace (ronald mcdonald’s purple friend). i’d find one blouse that fit great on one part of my body, but would be tight or too loose elsewhere. granted, the typical male and female bodies are shaped differently. however, i don’t think that fully explains my trouble. men come in all sorts of different shapes, but that doesn’t make finding clothes difficult. because women’s clothing is designed to show off the woman’s figure, if you don’t fit that ideal shape, you’re pretty screwed. i ended up finding a large skirt and a blouse that had to be at least ten years old. i don’t think i have ever felt such a great need to diet and exercise in my life.

after getting in my outfit, i experienced what too many women waste away their lives doing on a daily basis. i had my hair and make-up done.

i cannot believe how much time all of this takes. i drove over to my friends’ apartment this morning. they whipped out their kits and went to work. first off was my hair. compared to most guys here in happy valley, my hair is pretty long. compared to most girls, it’s short. my hair was long enough though to give it a feminine look. the first part was easy. using a blow dryer about three cans of hairspray, the hair on the back of my head was flared out. then came the torture. my hair was pulled, yanked, twisted, and pinned in all sorts of directions. i was in constant fear of having huge chunks ripped out by their roots, leaving a bald spot. luckily that didn’t happen. instead my face was left stretched out with permanently raised eyebrows, and all the wrinkles on my face pulled out of existence.

with my face yanked to a permanent grin, my next transformation was put into effect. it is a flat out lie to say that makeup exists for every color of the rainbow. i’ve seen rainbows. there aren’t that many colors in a rainbow. at 32-bits, my computer can handle over 4 billion different colors. my computer couldn’t even handle the colors represented my make up. you can’t just put make-up on. make-up has to match the outfit you’re wearing. makeup goes on, then another color, then another color, and again and again and again. black goop makes my eyebrows bigger. suddenly my cheeks are rosier, my eyes more defined. my lips seem fuller. sparkling polish that can only be removed with chevron gasoline immobilizes my hands until they can be dried. i am now two hours into living as a woman and now i finally look like one.

with my clothes, hair, and make-up all looking pretty, i head to school. life as a woman is physically uncomfortable. first of all, the heels. those things have to be one of the most uncomfortable items every created. walking in heels isn’t just different. it is a totally new way to walk. with every step, i have to worry about spraining my ankles. five flights of stairs were taken in total fear. by the end of my experience, my body was sore; not just my legs, but every part of me. i hurt from my toes to my neck. walking in heels requires motions of the body that are not undertaken in regular walking. it’s taxing and tiring. while talking to a friend, i had to tell her that i wasn’t sure if i respected women more or less because of this. i want to respect them more for the difficulty they undertake, and less because of they willingly undertake this on a daily basis.

sitting at my desk and relaxing my knees, another uncomfortable aspect of what women deal with in their attire struck me. my bra. yes, i wore a bra. how else could i have boobs? my bra chafed my skin. the stupid straps kept on sliding all over the place. every time i moved, i could feel it restricting my movements. i felt like i was wearing some weird harness that kept me in position without being tied to anything.

lucky for me, this was only a one-time five-hour ordeal. after class, i was able to return to my comfortable life as a man. no more restrictive form-fitting clothes. no more makeup. no more hairpins. no high heels. none of that crap. i was able to go back to my loose shirt and relaxed jeans. even luckier for me, i didn’t have to deal with what most of women deal with on a daily basis. i didn’t have a period. i wasn’t a woman in the workplace. i didn’t deal with any sexist prejudice and chauvinism.

in the end there is at least one thing i need to say to all of the real women out there. i am sorry. you have to go through most of this because of me. i am a man. though i may have never have explicitly asked you to do any of these things, because of my part in the male culture, i have implicitly asked and even forced you to be a part of these absurd behaviors. us men have made life hell for you.

sunday school presidents

today our sunday school president was released. while wondering who might be called to replaced him, i thought of all of the guys who might fill the position. i realized that everyone i thought of were in fact 'guys' - not because i believe that men can better fulfill that calling, but because i have only known men to hold that calling.

my question i pose to you is, have you ever seen a female sunday school president?

it does not seem like it is a priesthood calling, nor does it seem like the priesthood is needed or requisite of the calling - afterall, most primary presidents seem to be women. is there anything in the church handbook of instructions that instructs bishops to only call priesthood holders? i asked my bishop tonight and he did not seem to recall anything of that sort.

all are alike unto god: mormonism and social justice

i am totally worn out and tired right now, so i won't say too much tonight. i think i'll do a whole summary tomorrow. the mormon studies conference, all are alike unto god: mormonism and social justice, was incredible. besides maybe lynn wardle, i enjoyed every session. in some ways, i felt like i was catching up on the great gospel lessons that haven't been taught in church. even though it was an academic setting, i seriously felt like i finished each session with a total spiritual rush. though some were critical of the institutional and cultural actions in mormonism, with exception of wardle, i left each session with a total gratitude and love for the gospel and a thanksgiving for the opportunity to be a part of it.

mid-term question 3

i finally finished my mid-term. in 15 minutes, i will be officially 24 hours without sleep. unfortunately, i won't be able to sleep until 11 or so tonight. hopefully i can survive. here is my essay for the third question on my mormon cultural studies mid-term. you may or may not find it interesting.


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there are plenty of examples within mormon culture of articulations that serve the interests of power structures within mormonism. one that has been on my mind lately comes in a few forms, but is largely used in two particular ways. the first is the common use of ‘priesthood’ instead of ‘brothers’ to reference males in the church. the second is the common use of ‘the brethren’ in reference to the highest group of leaders in mormonism. while the uses of each work in opposite ways (in the former, the symbol of authority is used to reference gender while in the latter, the symbol of gender is used to reference authority), they both by representation serve the interests of a power structure which places women under men’s authority.
in the first case, where women are still referred to as ‘sisters’ there is a tendency within mormonism to refer to men as ‘priesthood’ instead of the equal symbol ‘brothers’. this is not just used in instances where priesthood authority is a part of the interaction, but in common instances such as “the priesthood and the sisters will both be needed to help out with the youth activity” or “we will a handful of priesthood to help the johnsons move into their new home.” in both cases, especially in the latter, it seems obvious that it is the men that were being referenced and not their priesthood – unless of course, the johnsons needed a blessing to ensure that their china set was not damaged in the move. this use of ‘priesthood’ performs a double-whammy in supporting a male dominant power structure. not only does the symbol ‘priesthood’ have a representation that implies power and authority in mormonism, the symbol itself is one that represents such power and authority in almost any cultural context. by using ‘priesthood’ instead of ‘brothers’, both the symbol and representation of power and authority are placed on men; something that the women are denied. when this is done in a context void of any priesthood authority, this symbol gives a representation that men have authority over women inherently and separately from an actual priesthood.
as mentioned already, the latter use of ‘brethren’ in reference to the leading hierarchy of the church has a usage opposite to the previous use of ‘priesthood’, but has the same effect of supporting a male dominated power structure in mormonism. in this case, the gender exclusive symbol, ‘brethren’, is used to reference authority in the church. once again, another double-whammy is performed in support of the male power structure. first, by representing authority with a gender exclusive symbol, the male gender becomes a symbol which represents authority. furthermore, the male symbol becomes equated with the symbol of hierarchal leadership. this further strengthens the representation of authority by men and representation of men by authority. by doing this, the power structure in the upper echelons also defends itself from becoming infiltrated by women.
by refraining from using symbols of authority to represent gender, and gender-exclusive symbols to reference authority, abuses and oppression by assumed power structures can be lessened. however, as long as the church maintains a male-exclusive priesthood, a certain level of male-authority representation will continue to exist. furthermore, because such a male-exclusive priesthood has existed for such a long time, there already exists a framework or ideology of male authority in mormon culture. because it is so entrenched in the culture, unless there is a break from the male-exclusivity of the priesthood, this ideology of male authority will continue to exist.