Sunday, July 31, 2005

tidbits

i've got the cutest (and coolest) nephews ever. anybody who has met them could vouch for me.


if you are going to leave a comment, please use your name or make up a pseudonym.


i should really try to sleep tonight.


after all these years, i still can't beat my older brother in wrestling. of course it doesn't help that he ways like a 150 more pounds than me. i think i pulled a muscle in my side. didn't feel it until just now.


ummm, yeah.


this isn't much, i've written much more in the ricky williams and the community of christ post below. check it out and throw in your thoughts.

my life as stories

if there was any central theme that seemed to bounce around my mind during this year's sunstone, it had to deal with my life as an ongoing narrative.

i am made up of stories. stories of my childhood, youth, mission, college years, church experiences, social experiences, educational experiences, and others. each story is a part of me that i cannot escape. they make me what i am today. what i am today is an ongoing narrative. the story changes every minute. with every thought, experience, observation, insight, and knowledge i gain, my current narrative changes. not only does my current story change, but each of the stories of my past gains a slightly new meaning. like a giant web, each is interconnected and slightly changes with every moment of my life.

what is important for me is how i react to each story of my life and how i try to expand my current narrative. am i going to learn from my mistakes. am i going to be true to what io know of my narrative.

there is no single story that tells of who i am. they can only tell of what i was. i cannot escape the narrative of my past. i will always have it with me. however, i am not bound to who i will be. that page and chapter will forever be unwritten.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

sunstone day 3

not too much to write about. went to the poetry reading with alex caldiero, paul swenson, and friends. it was really good. i later hit up the screening of this divided state which brought back good old memories of last year's michael moore controversy at uvsc.

i dunno if i'll write much else directly about sunstone.

Friday, July 29, 2005

insomnia

just finished watching the machinist with jesica. i'm glad i don't have it near as bad as that guy. basically, the movie is about a guy (christian bale - batman) that has gone over a year without sleep. he's down to like 60 pounds and starts going crazy.

so far i haven't had any strange black guys or post-it notes showing up in my place, so i should be ok.

i should prolly try to sleep soon. don't wanna end up like that.

one more day of sunstone left, not as fun as i remembered it, but cool nonetheless. the sessions i want to see tomorrow should be a blast though.

sunstone day 2

slept in and missed all of the morning sessions. hit three sessions in the afternoon, but i left one early. lavina fielding anderson's forced cynicism was just too much for me. the other two sessions were really good though. my friend val couldn't make it, so that left me even more as one of the few younger people there. i did get a bunch of albert camus reading in though.

tomorrow should be a little more exciting. there's going to be a poety reading with alex caldiero who i wrote about yesterday. so that'll be fun.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

sunstone day 1

i'll probably hold back my thoughts on certain sessions until it's all over (if i write anything about them). like last year, i was one of the few persons under the age of 93 in attendance.

the highlight for today had to be alex caldiero's poetry reading during the evening's plenary session. wow. and by wow, i mean oh hell yeah! his poems and how he read them totally fired me up. i wanted to stand and cheer him on when he was finished.

unfortunately, alex's poems were followed by a quite boring presentation by gregory prince about david o. mckay. i tried to be interested, but found myself squirming like a little child a few minutes into his paper. perhaps, being surrounded by so many old people forced my childhood out of me. for a few minutes it got interesting as he discussed mckay's struggle with the black priesthood policy, but that was quickly dowsed when he returned to speaking about buildings.

tomorrow's and saturday's sessions look like they will be fun. alex caldiero is performing again on saturday. needless to say, i'm excited for that.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

ricky williams and the community of christ

just in case you were wondering, ricky williams has nothing to do with the community of christ (as far as i know). this post is about two seperate thoughts.

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in today's new york times, ricky williams discussed some of the reasons why he decided to return to the nfl.

"Williams said, he yearned to be free, which to him meant "doing whatever you wanted to do whenever you wanted to do it." But after following his whims to the South Pacific and Asia, Williams said he realized that "freedom is on the inside and not the outside" and that the key to contentment "is just learning to be content in any environment."

i was going to write more about this idea, but i think i'll leave it at just that right now.


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somehow it got around my work that i haven't been going to church, which led to a discussion of what i believe and don't believe (more of the latter than the former). after the brief intervention, for some reason i thought back a year or so ago when i visited the services for a local congregation of the community of christ (or the former r.l.d.s. church).

while i really don't care for much of their recent incorporation of traditional christian trinitarianism and biblical authoritarianism, i find it interesting that much of my frustrations with current mormonism don't find their place in the community of christ. women can have the priesthood. no polygamy issues. no black/priesthood issues. accomodation of book of mormon historical skepticism. tolerance of homosexuals. much less creedal. more open and honest about history. an emphasis on peace, community, and service. less structure. etc. (of course much of christianity doesn't have these problems. on the otherhand, most of christianity is not open to differing pluralistic views either)

i'm not saying that i'm gonna up and join the community of christ. i really don't wanna be a part of anything right now. right now, i just want to figure out myself amidst an aggregation of different spiritual paths.

financial aid update

slim to none.

those are my chances of being awarded work-study dollars. i went to the financial aid department at school today to find out what happened and if there was anyway of still getting it. apparently, work-study is awarded on a first-come-first-served basis. it doesn't matter what department they are in. it doesn't matter if they have been specifically requested to do some work for a professor. all that matters is that they requested it soon. so if a bunch of trade students training to be car-monkeys apply first, then they get the money. if a professor in the philosophy or english department needs a hand, then that's who they get to pick from.

ridiculous. i know.

i'm not sure how soon i needed to apply. i figured that march, when applications became available, was soon enough. i guess not.

so right now i'm on a waiting list with my chances of getting an award being next to zero. the financial aid advisor told me that my only real option would be to be hired as an hourly by the department. i'll be seeing my professor in a couple days at the sunstone symposium, so i'll see what he thinks.

if all fails, i've still got enough financial aid to carry me for a while. i may get a part-time job to get me some play money later on. maybe i'll finally get that ever-elusive barnes and noble job.

there is always something to be happy about. my last day at compusa will be in 16 days.

Monday, July 25, 2005

one must learn to love— friedrich nietzsche

someone shared this with me earlier tonight and i found it quite poignant. it's from 'the gay science'.


"This is what happens to us in music: first one has to learn to hear a figure and melody at all, to detect and distinguish it, to isolate it and delimit it as a separate life; then it requires some exertion and good will to tolerate it in spite of its strangeness, to be patient with its appearance and expression, and kindhearted about its oddity:—finally there comes a moment when we are used to it, when we wait for it, when we sense that we should miss it if it were missing: and now it continues to compel and enchant us relentlessly until we have become its humble and enraptured lovers who desire nothing better from the world than it and only it.— But that is what happens to us not only in music: that is how we have learned to love all things that we now love. In the end we are always rewarded for our good will, our patience, fairmindedness, and gentleness with what is strange; gradually, it sheds its veil and turns out to be a new and indescribable beauty:—that is its thanks for our hospitality. Even those who love themselves will have learned it in this way: for there is no other way. Love, too, has to be learned."

Friday, July 22, 2005

i was the luckiest boy in the world and i didn't even know it

went to eat at a sandwich place with some friends tonight. ordered combo #2: half a sandwich and a smoothie.

the smoothie was a goin guava.

the sandwich was made with 12-grain bread, avocadoes, sprouts, tomatoes, onions, mayo, lettuce, and a potato bug. thats right. a potato bug. armadillidium vulgare. also known as a roly-poly, pill bug, woodlouse, armadillo bug, or doodlebug.

it was my childhood all over again. it was my always my apple with a worm in it. i was the unluckiest boy in the whole world.

after showing everyone the extra ingredient, i returned my sandwich along with it's accompanying friend - still crawling along the sprouts - and asked for a new sandwich.


it's funny how what can seem to be the worst of luck can turn itself around.


while waiting for my sandwich, the apologetic cashier came and offered me a free cookie. i could choose whatever i wanted. chocolate chip, peanut butter, macadamia nut, sugar, or some others. i chose the chocolate chip. it was quite delicious.

overall, the food was all pretty good (minus the bug). my next sandwich came roly-poly free and was quite tasty. the smoothie was nice and smooth... like me ;) . a friend also shared a few bites of cheese cake with me that happened to be very scrumpshdidlyumptious.

we finished the night with a joyride through orem and a fun play at the scera theatre.


a little bug. a free cookie. cheesecake. a fun night. i'm the luckiest boy in the world.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

"i just gave my first suppository"

my roommate, joe, came into my room today with this announcement.

i won't go into too many details. there are a number of big steps in relationships. the first date. the first time you kiss her. meeting her family for the first time. proposing to her. etc...

today, joe stuck his finger into his girlfriend's brother's butthole.

i didn't know what to say. do you congratulate him? take him out for drinks? consider him engaged?



i guess the moral is that some private moments should be left private.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

bummer

just found out that i'm probably not approved to do work-study this fall. uggh, i've been looking forward to doing it since early spring. i've got the whole day off tomorrow, so hopefullyi can meet with financial aid and fix things.

damell sumbitch!

Monday, July 18, 2005

harry potter and the half-blood prince

finished the sixth harry potter book at around 3:30 last night. woke up at 7:30 for work.

harry potter and the half-blood prince - j.k. rowling


like the last few in the series, harry potter and the half-blood prince was a quick and fun (though sometimes dark) addition to the series . i was really surprised to find out that gandalf had not died after being dragged off the bridge of khazad dum by the balrog. however, it was not a surprise at all to find kevin spacey's character killed off in the closing chapter. it happens almost every time. the whole bit with ron and harry coming out of the closet was a real stretch though. it just seemed too forced and unnecssary. i guess after frodo and sam decided to be openly gay with eachother, rowling decided that it was the cool thing to do.

reason #243 why i don't like old people

a simple rule for driving.

the pavement road is for driving on. the cement sidewalk is not.

old people have a hard time understanding this.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

charlie and the half-blood prince

just finished watching charlie and the chocolate factory... for the second time. maybe, it's the kid in me. maybe it's the allure of candy. maybe it's this blasted summer heat getting to me, but i just loved the movie. time burton's version is far better than that 70's gene wilder version. the oompa loompas were awesome, but i still had this strange desire to free them from their slave labor. sheesh. taking a whole race of people from their native lands, addicting them, and forcing them to labor in order to appease their addiction. something just isn't right there.


i also got harry potter and the half-blood prince. i'm going to go read some of it right now.

Friday, July 15, 2005

kids books

some of you may be like me. you know who you are. you made fun of those who read the books. you made fun of the fans. you made fun of harry pansy potter.

eventually you gave in and read the first book to get them to shut up. then you read the second. the third. the fourth. you devoured the fifth book in a few days. within a couple weeks you went from critic to fan.

this is a good weekend for fans of children's books. not only is a new harry potter book out tomorrow, the tim burton rendition my favoritechildhood book comes out tonight. charlie and the chocolate factory. i don't remember how old i was when i read it, but i remember totally loving and reading it non-stop. roald dahl's book was the first book to put me into a whole other world and reality. the simple moral story of a boy, his grandfather, a candy factory, and it's creator (along with some oompa-loompas and a few spoiled brats) instantly addicted me to books. after reading it and it's sequel, charlie and the great glass elevator, i grabbed every roald dahl book i could. my favorite had to be the bfg (the big friendly giant, not big f*ing gun). what could be better than a book that describes children as being scrumpdidlyumptious.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

back home

cut through my old neighborhood on the way to my brother's house today. it's been a while since i've been there. a lot has changed. some hasn't. here's a brief tour for your next sight-seeing pleasure.

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take the 123rd south exit on i-15 and head east.

right off the freeway, to your left, is a goodyear tire. it wasn't there until after my mission, so it really shouldn't belong on this post. however, i just have to throw it in. it's run by a guy named gary. if there is anywhere along the wasatch front to take your car, this is the place. great deals and even greater service. my old honda prelude, before it's demise, lived only as long as it did because of them. even though i'm in happy valley now, i still take my car there if i have the time and my car is able to make the trip.

just past the goodyear, on both sides of the road, are plenty of new buildings. a smith's to the right along with plenty of smaller shops. to the left is a new shopping center complete with a bajio. new banks, offices, and stores line both sides of the road. none of that was there growing up. instead, acres of farmland stretched out in both directions with the stench of piled animal shit filling the air. the challenge of holding your breath to avoid the noxious air has been replaced with the challenge of holding your temper to avoid road rage on the busy street.

the iceburg is still there. just as it has been for the last sixteen years. it's the first older building you'll find on the left of the road. family home evening often ended with a trip for shakes. butterfinger, cookie dough, blueberry, strawberry, oreo, m&m, pistachio, you name it. usually butterfinger or cookie dough for me. my friends and i seemed to hit it at least weekly. after the priesthood session of general conference, a line of white shirts and ties would wrap inside and outside the building.

just past iceburg and to the right is amelia's florist. this is where we got flowers for mother's day and corsages for school dances. draper city is now trying to run this quaint little shop out of business by supporting a fancier florist they had put kitty-corner to it. now that draper is no longer the farming town it used to be, but now home to starter-castles along the mountain, they want these older business and buildings gone.

up the hill and to the left is where frank's drugstore used to be. it's a dental office now. i don't remember if i ever met frank, but we used to swing by here for candy and football cards all the time when we were really young. this is where jr, adam, and i went after skiping school for the first time in sixth grade. we were freaking out that some cops would notice we weren't in school and would arrest us. we made it safely, beginning a long history of skipping classes - something i'm still trying to recover from. frank's closed after an albertson's was built up the street.

a few hundred more feet and the road used to end. this is the spot where jr and i were eventually caught by the police. it wasn't for skipping school though. curfew violation. long story, but it ends with my mom crying because she thought i was a criminal and my dad laughing because he thought it was pretty funny.

where the road used to end, our old playground began. we simply called it the field. crazy bike trails, underground forts, jack-rabbit hunting, satan worshippers, drugs, homeless people, the gulley, the canal, abandoned/stolen cars. it was a young boy's dream world and we had it all to ourselves. when i was 15 we lost it all to kmart, albertsons, payless drugs, and dozen other shops.

drive up the paved road. eventually you'll see a church to your left. this is where i spent my sundays as a ctr-b until my mission-farewell. we used to pick the lock of the kitchen door with a credit card and sneak in to play basketball. they eventually figured us out and put in a dead bolt.

on the road just south of the church, i used to watch drug deals on monday morning. two cars would drive up and meet on the dirt road. one from the east, the other to the south. they'd stop side-by-side, exchange, and then drive off in opposite directions. i'd be taking my dog for a walk, hiding in the bushes, waiting for them to leave.

just north and east of the church is a house with white siding and black trimming. that's where i grew up. that's where i'm from. that was the last house i called home. i lived there from my 9th birthday until my mission. while i was out, my parents sold it and moved into a new house alongside the point of the mountain. the new place was never home for me.

when the albertson's to your right was built, they put up a brick wall next to my house. a girl was raped there one night. vandalism was constantly sprayed, painted over, and then sprayed again. eventually it ended up on our siding. one night i found some middle-aged man and woman in my backyard. people seemed to enjoy throwing their used condoms on our sidewalk. bikes and other things started disappearing from our property. eventually, they put up a light post, but it didn't do much to help. i liked the field a lot better.

turn left at the taco bell onto 13th east. that's where i worked for two months my senior year. it was wrestling season and i needed a job where i could request plenty of days off for meets and tournaments. they hired me. i hated it and left as soon as the seaon was over. i still remember how to make a seven layer burrito though. beans, rice, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, sourcream, and guacomole.

jr lived in the red house at the top of the hill. in the seventh grade, we were running in the 5k fun run and didn't realize until we were halfway through that our huge group began on a false start. we waited in his house for the race to catch up with us and quietly joined them. somehow i ended up getting first place for my grade and got some stupid medal in an assembly. who said cheaters never prosper?

head up 13th east and you'll see indian hills middle school. this is where the fun run began and ended. this is where i had a crush on jenalyn morden, where i first heard nine inch nails, where i seemed to always end up in detention, and where i learned how to swear.

from here on, most everything looks as it did a dozen years ago. just a little more run down. continue up 13th east to 106th and there is an empty shopping center. before my mission, i helped sell computer training videos in a warehouse there. those videos were over-priced pieces of crap. after selling them, i helped illegally annoy and harass customers who hadn't returned their 30-day trial videos in time. the owners of the company were all creepy and loved to sexually harass their secretaries.

further on is the sandy library. i used to bike to here all the time. it's a lot further than i remember it. at the time, it was one of the largest public libraries in utah.

just past the library, to the right, is alta view hospital. when i was 12 or so, some guy went in, shot a nurse, and took several people hostage. they later made a tv-movie about it. seige at alta view or some other crappy title like that. if i remember correctly, he was mad because a doctor tied his wife's tubes without his permission. i think he later hung himself in prison.

that's about where my childhood ended. or rather, that's about as far as i frequently traveled growing up. beyong that was another world. a different place for someone else's memories.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

on being a vegetarian, part 4

wasn't planning on a veggie update this soon, but some recent events prompted one.


last night, some friends hosted a bbq for another friend's birthday. i went, planning on just conspicuously eating whatever i could. when i got there, rachel (who was planing the bbq and happens to be a cutie) told me how her and her roommates spent an hour trying to figure out what they could barbecue for me.partly because of me, they added bbq'd pineapple and corn-on-the-cob onto the menu. while it was really sweet and thoughtful of them, i'm not sure what i like better: having them care enough to consider what i could or couldn't eat, or just being able to keep my diet on the down-low and not have it be any sort of attention-getter. sure, sometimes i like to be the center of attention (especially in my philosophy classes), however i don't especially care for my vegetarianism being my stand-out feature.


i guess my thoughts on being a vegetarian have given some people a push to try it out. bryant is giving it a try right now. changing the world, one post at a time.


out of nowhere today, my friends at work started trying to scripture-bash vegetarianism with me. there i was, someone who doesn't even believe all of the scriptures, looking up verses on lds.org to shut them up. of course, they gave me the same replies that jehovah's witnesses and evangelicals gave me on my mission. you are just taking them out of context! yet, they never care to explain how.


that somehow eventually turned into a discussion on cannibalism. i guess it was my comment that humans are the only animals that can give another animal permission to be eaten. does anyone know if consensual cannibalism is legal? not that i'm interested.

speaking of consensual people eating. here is a crazy couple that decided to bite off eachothers fingers instead of exchanging rings. yeah, that's pretty messed up.

Monday, July 11, 2005

sunstone symposium

once again, the time has come to join a bunch of people three times my age to discuss things mormon. as i've mentioned before, last year was my first time and i thoroughly enjoyed it. while some may consider it the fertilizer of apostacy, my experience was quite the opposite. i left it renewed and filled with a love for the gospel and mormonism.

this year's schedule (july 28-30) is packed with what seem to be excellent presentations. rather than mention the dozen or so i want to see, you can check out the schedule for yourself here. like last year, students are free.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

back to church...

went to church today. some of it was pretty good, some of it not so good. sunday school had a lot of potential, but was ultimately reduced to the quality of a primary class. not sure if i'm going to go again next week. i guess i'll see.

on the brightside, during sacrament meeting i pulled out my bible and read the sermon on the mount. if there is a spirit, i guess i felt it. something stuck out to me. and can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life (matt 6:27). while i had to pull it out of context to apply it to myself, i guess that's what nephi told us to do. i need to take a step back and not fret so much over my frustrations i get with church and religion. while i still need to hold to my convictions, i can't and shouldn't let those get in the way of having an enjoyable experience with others... especially at church. i let it happen today in sunday school. while the lesson and the scriptures we were studying should have slapped us all in the face about our treatment of the poor and oppressed, instead it turned once again into a call for self-righteousness and blind obedience. and i let it get to me. i gotta stop that. instead i just need to sit back, hold onto my hope that things will get better, and try bit by bit to plant seeds of change.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

moved into a new apartment....

ok.... so i've been here for over two months already, but now i feel like i've finally moved in. went to d.i. and picked up a desk, cleaned my room, and finally put away the boxes that have been stacked up on the floor from day one. no longer will i need to sit on the floor to use my computer that's been sitting on a broken chair. nor will i have to step over boxes, cds, garbage, and stacks of books to get to my closet. this cleanliness thing is pretty nice.

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just finished watching ladder 49. it's pretty good until the end when the main character dies. if you haven't seen this movie, forget what i just said. i'm tired of this trend of killing off main characters in movies in attempts to pull emotional strings. kill off the main dude and people will leave the theatres all depressed and telling themselves how great it was. braveheart dies and everyone loved the film, so now every director wants a death to end their movies. look at every kevin spacey movie (pay it forward, american beauty, life of david gale, united states of leland...). they all die! to give spacey some credit, the main character in seven doesn't die, but spacey sees to it that he takes a bullet in the head before the credits start rolling. oh yeah, spoiler warning. if you haven't seen those movies, forget what you just read.

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i gotta get to bed. stupid worthless waste-of-time-and-money monthly early saturday morning meetings.

Friday, July 08, 2005

on being a vegetarian, part 3

i could pull a super-size me, eat mcdonalds for every meal, and nobody would care.

i could consist entirely on doritos and coke and not a word would be said.

i could eat lead-based paint chips all day and only my insurance company would take notice.

i stop eating meat, and suddenly everyone is worried that i'm going to die.

it's been about three months since i posted my thoughts about becoming a vegetarian. since then, i have been meat free. i really thought it was going to be tough, but it's been quite the contrary. i don't miss it. i'm not tempted (though i sometimes feel like putting sushi back onto my menu). the toughest parts have been dealing with nagging questions and criticism and finding places to eat. i've frequented bajio, cafe rio, and durangos enough to have my own private table. found a nice vegetarian restaurant in salt lake, but it's a little too far away. luckily most places have a vegetarian menu, though they are usually sparce and lacking. oh well. i barely eat anymore anways, so it isn't too much of an issue.

i'm not really sure why i made this decision. i guess it started a year ago when i wrote a paper on mormon environmentalism. that had me thinking, though i hardly acted on it. in march, chris foster from byu gave a really good presentation at uvsc's mormon mormon studies conference about why mormons should be vegetarians. that had me really thinking. but it wasn't that either.

rather, i think it was mostly spite. it was a reaction to the almost total disregard of this clear aspect of the word of wisdom when other more ambiguous portions are treated with pharisaic legalism. i could go off for hours, but i'll leave it at that. spite.

while it may not have begun with pure intentions, i enjoy it and would recommend it to anyone. since i began, i've been much more inclined to avoid too much junk and fast food (which isn't saying too much as there aren't too many vegetarian fast-food options). i excersize more. find that i have a litte more self-control with other aspects of my life. and other crap like that. i've also had friends and family comment to me that they have begun noticing how much meat they are actually eating and have said they want to cut-back... though i don't know if they actually will.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

them be a lot of people

went up to salt lake with some friends to see the fireworks at sugar house park. my family used to go there every year when i was little, but it's been a looooong time since i've been there. it was packed. and by packed i mean billions. it was pretty cool seeing so many people all gathered for such a simple event.

the fireworks were pretty cool. better than the ones in happy valley a couple days ago.

Monday, July 04, 2005

she (a buried post)

(i wrote this a couple weeks ago but never posted it. i guess i was scared that she might read it and that all hell might break lose. i don't think i have to worry about either of those anymore. not sure why i'm posting it now. it was sitting on my laptop and i guess i didn't want it to go to waste. plus, as the success of reality tv shows, people love watching drama that isn't their own)
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i wake up to the laugh of the neanderthal. my roommate's girlfriend. that shrill sound that makes that spot on the lower left side of the back of your neck cringe. but this post isn't about that. it's not about her. it's the total opposite.

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i have known her since the beginning of the year. well, known of her. it wasn't until a couple months later, when i gathered up the courage to ask to her out for dinner, that i really got the chance to get to know her. not only is she amazingly beautiful, she's incredibly brilliant, insightful, and all those what's inside things that makes her stand up above the rest. one of those persons i could talk with for hours or days straight and never feel bored.

the other night, i really wanted to kiss her... and that scared me.

most of the relationships i've been in have started really fast, got physical just as quick (if not quicker), and subsequently had a speedy demise. before they had something to build on, they became meaningless hormonal adventures (see also: superficial, shallow). without that something, these relationships got measured by the levels and frequencies of each physical encounter. eventually, that's all they were.

i don't want that again, especially here.

we've got something special between us. i'm not sure how to describe it. in some ways, it's a kind of friendship that i really haven't had before. it's deeper than just liking someone, but not... i dunno how to say it. as i told her, she's the first girl that i've looked at and thought to myself, wow. i really like her. not just as a girl, but as a person as well. i know this all sounds pathetically cheesy, but i don't know how else to describe it.

i want to take things slow. my gut says that's what needs to happen. i've just never really done that before and not quite sure how to do it.




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turned out i had things all wrong. well, not all wrong. she's still an incredible person, but the feelings weren't mutual. i still don't understand everything. everything sorta came crashing down tonight. i'll be honest that it hurt. part broken heart, part frustration with the dating scene in general, but mostly because i let my feelings for her ruin what should have been a good friendship. i wish i could just turn things off and on, but it's unfortunately not that easy.

i finally got the closure i desperately needed to move on, but not the closure i wanted to understand exactly what transpired. there were definitely mixed signals and poor communication through everything, i just didn't get the closure of understanding what those signals were supposed to be. oh well, can't expect it all. lol... i can't believe i let myself get so caught up on someone i wasn't even dating.

not sure what the status is now. eight-ball says "not looking good". if so, i hope i can still at least get my southpark dvds back.

ends and beginnings

i had a late talk with my little brother last night. i haven't really had much of a serious talk with him before. i dunno if it's because he's family so i feel more comfortable around him. i dunno why, but i cried. i'm 26 years old and i cried like a child.

for the last couple years, i haven't been happy. sure, there were plenty of moments here and there. sure, i faked it until i believed it at times. but overall, i just haven't been happy. i guess it started with my disfellowshipment and just continued on. the dissolution of my group of friends didn't help either. some got married. some moved away. some went active in the military. others just faded. i suddenly found myself alone without the support i had leaned on through the tough times.

nobody likes someone who is sad all the time, so i turned myself into the second most despised of beings - the constant cynic. instead of finding a new group of friends and focusing on fixing myself, i tried to find faults in others and focus on the depravity of humanity. this site is a prime example of such pursuits. over time, i found myself skeptical of others who reached out as friends and forced myself out of opportunites to meet people. i criticized all that used to make me happy - friends, religion, and people. i was incredibly lonely, but at the same time refusing to break out of it.

in the process of all of this, i've ruined friendships and other relationships. i've created a struggle with my faith. i've physically messed myself up. i've hurt others along the way. i've forced myself into a state of loneliness that i couldn't stand being in.

i told my brother all of this last night. it's something i've always known, but not something i've really really admitted to anyone. i cried. afterwards, i slept better than i have in months.

tonight i got another slap in the face. not the bad kind, but more of wake-up and look at yourself slap in the face. an affirmation of what i had admitted to my brother (and thus openly admitted to myself). it was one of those really crappy, but really good conversations. crappy, because i realized that my attitude had resulted in the ruin of a friendship i cared a lot about (and possibly ruined too far to repair). good, because it made me want to change.

the awesome part of the atonement or repentance or whatever you want to call it is the realization that the past is just that.... the past. sure it's a part of your life that can't be dismissed, but it is also something that has happened and can't be changed. we learn from it and we move on. it doesn't have to be and shouldn't be revisited and dwelt on. the private moment of repentance and forgiveness marks a new beginning. a fresh start to live again.

i need to apply that to more than just sins.

right now, the next hour, the next day. every moment marks a new beginning. a chance to break the chains that i've wrapped around myself a free myself from my past and my frustrations. instead of remembering all that makes me angry and/or sad, i can find and look forward to all that which can bring me something else.

as i fell asleep last night, i found myself wanting to go to church again. yes, the lds one. unfortunately, i had to work today. there is always next week though. i think i'll do it. i still want to try church-hopping, but i don't see why i can't do both. though i may have to take it slow. heck, maybe i'll even talk to a bishop.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

friendship.2

kinda feel like i'm on the recieving end of this dilemma now.