gre writing score

for those of you who are interested, it just came in.

5.5 out of 6

how the krueger saved christmas

for a few different reasons, the christmas season just wasn't that holly jolly for me this year. i tried to merry up the days, but nothing seemed to work. christmas music (even sufjan stevens) didn't have the magic it used to. tv specials and holiday movies did not entice me. hot chocolate. forget it. gift shopping wasn't the joy it usually was. and christmas lights were only amusing when i got to point out how pathetic some house displays were with their single strands across a garage or window.

bah humbug indeed.

then came the night before the night before christmas. i joined up with a handful of friends to watch a couple south park christmas specials as well as the mormon christmas classic, mr. krueger's christmas, starring jimmy stewart. for those of you who haven't seen it, this 1980 production tells the story of willy krueger, an elderly widower who lives in the basement of an apartment complex with his cat george. the first 2/3 of the movie basically consists of willy krueger going off into day-dream land where he rides sleighs, thinks he's nobility, conducts the mormon tabernacle choir, and other things that crazy old men day dream of.

i haven't seen this movie for several years and the first two-thirds had me wondering, what the hell is this movie?

but then the last third suddenly changed everything. while adjusting his small end-table nativity scene, willy's day dreaming takes him to bethlehem where he finds himself in a stable approaching the baby jesus in his manger.

Hello there... I-I-I-I... Oh dear... Oh... Oh, you're-you're... I'm Willy Krueger and I'm custodian over at the Beck Apartments, but, but you know that, don't you. You know that. I guess nobody here can see me or hear me except you. I didn't bring a gift, I, but I, I guess that's not important. Thank you for everything you've done for me. As long as I can remember you've been right by my side. I'll never forget when you walked with me right in those first few hours after I lost Martha. I-I've always been able to count on you, when I felt dark inside and when I... You were right there, right, every time, right there. Even when I didn't feel good about myself, I knew that you cared for me enough, and that, that made me feel better. Like that time I got mad with Mabel Huntington because she broke her pipes on purpose just so she could have somebody to see while I came up and fixed them for her. Boy, I hollered at her, boy I hollered real loud. But then, then I got to thinking - you loved Mabel just as much as you loved me and I should treat her the way you want me to. I believe I talked to you about that at the time. Well, I started visiting her and we became friends. I saw her almost every day until the day she died. I love you. You're my closest, my finest friend. And that means that I can hold my head high, wherever I go. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

while this scene had a sudden and profound effect on me, it was what happens next that really hit me. a young girl who is accompanying a group of carolers invites willy to join their group. while he initially plays it off, it's clear that this was what willy wanted and needed more than anything that christmas - someone to befriend and love him. afterall, isn't that what anyone really wants?

krueger saved my christmas that night. i realized that i had something to offer this christmas... well not necessarily for christmas... but i had something to offer. like willy, there are plenty of people who need someone. people who are struggling and need support, friendship, help, and love. however, i don't want to help old people. you see... old people scare me. not only do they go all willy and day dream all the time, they have stuff growing on them, say weird things, get mad for no reason, smell funny, have memory trouble, call me names of former lovers, wear diapers, and a plethora of other things that i just don't handle well. rather, i really want to do something i've been planning on doing, but haven't gotten around to.. mentoring a child. a few months ago i had the paper work all ready to go, but a sudden car accident ruined everything. now, however, i've got the car, time, and means to do it. all i lack are excuses.

so that is how the krueger saved christmas. he helped me realize that i do have a christmas gift to offer this season. now i just need to make sure that i follow through with it.

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"I love you." That's what Christmas is all about... Clarissa said it to Mr. Krueger; Mr. Krueger said it to Jesus; and Jesus in so many ways said it to all of us.
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i was trying to find a youtube clip of good ol' willy krueger, but this was the best i could find. enjoy.

woohoo! my book finally got published!

well... i didn't write it, but co-edited it. it does have my name on the cover and binding though. that's a start, right?

here is a pic of the cover from the copy i got in the mail today. i'll post the amazon link and more info when the come available.

the amazing candy pooping penguin

'twas the night before the night before the night before christmas

...and nothing was stirring in my apartment cuz it's empty and I'm all alone.

Normally I LOVE Christmas. I listen to Christmas music all month long. I wear a stupid Christmas hat with blinking lights everywhere. I get all excited about buy gifts for friends and family. I look at lights. I do all that holly jolly Christmas stuff.

The problem is that this year I have had zero Christmas spirit. Nothing. Nada. I have had no desire to sing or listen to Christmas songs. I haven't even looked for that hat. I could care less about getting gifts. The only time I have looked at Christmas lights was to point out which houses should probably just take theirs down. I've pretty much been the Grinch who you wouldn't touch with a 30 foot pole. It's not a fun place to be.

Having had no Christmas spirit, here is a blog post about gift giving that I wrote a few years ago:

i needed a little break from paper writing, so i went to our ward's fhe tonight. the bishop told a little story and then said that we need to think about giving jesus a present. what are we going to give him? not an ipod, he says.

i'm sure most in the room were thinking "ooh, i'll give him a broken heart and a contrite spirit" "i'll give him my prayers" "i'll give him more of my faith" "i'll give him 20 minutes of scripture reading"

i think jesus would almost rather have an ipod, but i'm not sure what to give him this year.

last year i gave jesus harry potter and captain underpants. i've never read captain underpants, but one of my cousins loved it, so i thought jesus would appreciate it too.

not to sound braggish, but last christmas eve i met up with one of my old roommates for some breakfast at the village inn. yeah... i know... why would i brag about that. lots of people do that. i'm not done with the story stupid.

after breakfast, i went over to barnes and noble to window shop ( i usually order my books through amazon). in the center of the store there was a little tree with ornaments labeled "boy, age 14" "girl, age 8" "girl, age 4" etc... these all represented under-priveledged kids who didn't have much. grab an ornament, pick out a book, pay at the register, kid gets a brand new book for christmas... not some crappy, beat up hand me down.

girl, age 12 got harry potter, books 1, 2, and 3. boy, age seven got the captain underpants collection.

"inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

this was by far, the highlight of my christmas.

So here's my dilemma. I need some Christmas spirit. I need to find something, some form of charity, some Christmas grace, something that gives me that Christmas joy I have completely lacked this holiday season. I only have a couple days left. Please help.

vsom - things i'm glad that jesus didn't say...

…but are said by supposed ‘Christians’ all the time.

Rethinking the Eternal: Part 2 – Oh My Heck

“What is hell?” I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.

-Father Zosima, The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky

Nevertheless, it is not written that there shall be no end to this torment, but it is written endless torment.

-D&C 19:6

This month’s Harper’s Monthly features a selection from the philosopher, David Lewis’s “Divine Evil” that criticizes any theology which contains a belief in eternal, endless suffering.

The punishment is to go on forever, and the agonies to be endured by the damned intensify, in unimaginable ways, the sufferings we undergo in our earthly lives. In both dimensions, time and intensity, the torment is infinitely worse than all the suffering and sin that will have occurred during the history of life in the universe. What God does thus is infinitely worse than what the worst of tyrants have done. (Emphasis added)

While traditional Mormon theology has done away with the traditional concept of hell – those pesky fires have been replaced with ‘outer darkness,’ a sort of purgatory, and a glory that most would die for – ‘hell’ is still a prevalent concept throughout LDS scriptures and teachings (a quick search on lds.org brings up 1537 results). So, along with Father Zosima, I must ask, “What is Hell?”

Before discussing what is hell, I think it’s best to point out what eternal hell is not. As pointed out in the previous post, eternal hell is not endless duration. Furthermore, eternal hell should not be understood as any sort of intensified physical pain. For most Latter-day Saints, a post-mortem hell is usually identified with one of three things: ‘outer-darkness’ – where Satan and pals who never received bodies reside; ‘spirit prison’ – where the un-evangelized await a resurrection; and ‘telestial glory’ – a haven for the less-glorious resurrected beings. For the first two, the idea of physical punishment is senseless because the unembodied spirits inhabiting those spheres do not have physical bodies to experience physical pain. In the latter, while a resurrected body experiencing physical pain is theoretically possible, it does not seem to fit within the discourse of resurrection in any Mormon theological discussion (though I believe this is an interesting and important issue in a discussion of resurrection). Similarly, Alma the Younger experienced his ‘eternal torment’ in state of unconsciousness, void of actual physical experience. Finally, as emphasized in the previous post, hell is not just experienced after death, but can and is experienced in our mortal lives. Ammon affirms this aspect of hell when he recounts his and his brothers’ missionary labors among the Lamanites: “Behold, how many thousands of our brethren has he loosed from the pains of hell; and they are brought to sing redeeming love, and this because of the power of his word which is in us, therefore have we not great reason to rejoice? Yea, we have reason to praise him forever, for he is the Most High God, and has loosed our brethren from the chains of hell.” (Alma 26: 13-14).

[* Furthermore, it is important to note what the church’s official website, lds.org, says about hell. According to its topical index, “Latter-day revelations speak of hell in at least two ways. First, it is another name for spirit prison, a temporary place in the postmortal world for those who died without a knowledge of the truth or those who were disobedient in mortality. Second, it is the permanent location of Satan and his followers and the sons of perdition, who are not redeemed by the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” I am unaware of any scriptural justification for either of these notions of hell. The New Testament’s use of hell (hades) comes close to the idea of a spirit prison; however, hades in the NT is not just a place for the unevangelized, but is the resting place of all of the dead. On the other hand most uses of hell in the scriptures (especially in the Book of Mormon) describe a state of suffering and anguish that is feared by many, a state that many fear and are redeemed from during their lifetime – hardly descriptive of the LDS views of the spirit prison, outer darkness, or the least of resurrected glories.]

If hell is not a post-mortem infliction of endless pain, what is it then? While it may seem simplistic at first, I believe Father Zosima, in Dostoevsky’s The Brothers Karamazov, has the right answer. In one of his sermons to his fellow priests he teaches,

Fathers and teachers, I ponder, "What is hell?" I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love. Once in infinite existence, immeasurable in time and space, a spiritual creature was given on his coming to earth the power of saying, "I am and I love." Once, only once, there was given him a moment of active lifting love, and for that was earthly life given him, and with it times and seasons. And that happy creature rejected the priceless gift, prized it and loved it not, scorned it and remained callous. . . .

They talk of hell fire in the material sense. I don't go into that mystery and I shun it. But I think if there were fire in material sense, they would be glad of it, for I imagine that in material agony, their still greater spiritual agony would be forgotten for a moment. Moreover, that spiritual agony cannot be taken from them, for that suffering is not external but within them.

For Father Zosima, there are two types of persons who are in hell: those who fail to love, and those who reject the love offered to them. And these, I believe, are what it is to be in eternal hell – for if God is love and God is eternal, then eternal torment is the lack and rejection of God’s love. While these two often come together, they are not necessarily the same.

When asked what was the greatest of the commandments, Jesus answered that it was to love. Love is central to the Gospel. It’s what binds Zion and the Kingdom of God. The gospel, the sacraments, the atonement, the temple, all of it is about uniting everyone – about creating a community. This is why Paul kept referring to the body of Christ. This is why we take on the same name of Christ. Zion is what it is because everyone is of one heart and mind, living in equality (righteousness) (Moses 7:18). The converse of all this would be the failure to love, disunity, and isolation. You do not go to hell for these things, you are in hell with these things. It is our failure to love that separates us from the hungry, the thirsty, the strangers, the naked, the sick, and the prisoners (Matthew 25). Our failure to love leaves them in a state of hell as well, alone and suffering. Lying, stealing, disloyalty, objectification of others, abuse, slavery, oppression, racism, sexism, and all other sins are manifestations of our failure to love and states of hell. A post-mortem hell would merely be a continuation of these same things, a continuation of our failure to love resulting in isolation and a lack of community.

But hell is not just our failure to love, but is also our failure to accept love. When asked what he needed to do to enter the kingdom of heaven – to enter the community of God – the young rich man was told by Jesus that he needed to love. He needed to sell his luxuries to help out the poor. The rich young man walked away in hell, loving his possessions more than those around him.

The plight of this rich young man hit me hard the other day. In a discussion on another blog, someone asked for ideas on how we could better fulfill our duties to help out the poor. I found myself wanting to ignore the request. I knew that if I joined in the discussion that I would then feel even more obligated to use what luxuries I have to help those in need. I didn’t want to because I, like the rich young man, love my possessions more than others.

It is for this reason that Jesus said that it would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. It is for this reason that Jesus’ apostles asked “Who then can be saved?” The apostles knew, just as we all do, how powerful the temptations are that pull us away from love, and the weakness of humanity in freeing ourselves from those chains.

“With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.”

Alone, we can be powerless. But with God, all things are possible. This is the grace of God that we need in our lives. It is the love that God gives us that enables us to love. It is the love of God that saves us from hell and our sins. “It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (Nephi 25:23). Yes, the rich man loved his possessions. But all he needed to do to free himself from those chains were to ask God for his grace. Yet, like the rest of us, he rejects that offer. And in doing so, he remains in hell, unable to love.

This same rejection of God’s loving grace is evident in other states of hell we may be in. The chains of hell are our inabilities to free ourselves from those things which separate us from a loving community and true happiness. They are our addictions to drugs, gambling, alcohol, television, sex, and all other things that isolate ourselves and/or hurt others. Hell is the despair that we cannot free ourselves from these chains, and at the same time refusing to ask for God’s grace to deliver us.

What are the moral implications of this concept of eternal hell? First and foremost, we should not view eternal hell as some state that awaits others at some point after death. We need to view eternal hell as states that people are in right now. We shouldn’t worry that Billy will go to hell, we should worry that Billy is in hell right now. Our hearts and actions should look to the present condition of ourselves and those around us. To be saved from our sins is not to have some metaphysical sin-stain bleached away, but is to be freed from the isolation, suffering, and despair brought on by a failure to and an rejection of love.

the results.... (proof that there is a grimace)

verbal 590

quantitative 760

i find out about the written section in a couple weeks.


to celebrate having taken it, i purchased myself a midweek snowboarding pass at sundance, so if anyone wants to hit some runs, hit me up.

i could use some divine help here...

in less than 24 hours i'll be taking the gre. even though i have spent countless hours trying to ready myself for this exam, i still feel grossly unprepared. while i don't necessarily believe that god will help someone in their test taking, i figure it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. i also figured the more people praying and the more gods being prayed to might help as well.

so tonight please offer up a prayer (and a sacrifice if needed) on my behalf to god, jesus, allah, elohim, yahweh/jehovah, buddha, baal, asheroth, brahman, krishna, adamn, vishnu, thor, zeus, grimace, the first cause, mother earth, father christmas, optimus prime, nuclear power, general zod, satan, charles darwin, richard dawkins, the flying spaghetti monster, friedrich nietzshe, karl marx, richard marx, the spice girls, apollo, aslan, sauron, lucky the lucky charms leprechaun, count chocula, the easter bunny, the kool-aid guy, damien, trent reznor, that 'hey vern' guy, pee-wee, the king of the echo people, that giant head that the captain kirk thinks is god, he-man, skeletor, osiris, saint jeremiah - the patron saint of test-taking, rainbow bright, the guy who invented string cheese, poseiden, and any other deity that may be able to give me some assistance.

thanks.

Rethinking the Eternal : Part 1 - Is There a Life Before Death?

The following is the first of four posts discussing some things that I have been thinking a lot about lately. I'll be the first to admit that my thoughts here aren't written out as well as I'd like them to be and that there is much work left to be done with them. In the end, I am strongly considering rewriting the whole thing into a more formalized paper for presentation. For that reason I would greatly appreciate any thoughts, comments, ideas, and especially criticisms that you may have.
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And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?

-Matthew 19:16

In Darren Aronofsky’s, The Fountain, three variations of the same tragic theme are portrayed as the main character, Tommy sets out to find the secret to immortality in order to save his terminally ill wife, Izzi. Whether told from the perspective of a conquistador searching for the tree of life, a doctor searching for a cure of death, or a futuristic traveler searching for the eternal, the story is the same. Tommy’s quest to live forever leads to a life never lived, and even worse, his quest to be with Izzi forever leaves them indefinitely apart. This is explicitly portrayed in the main storyline as Tommy spends his every moment searching for a cure to Izzi’s illness, all the while rejecting his wife’s pleas for him to spend her remaining days with her. Tommy’s denial of death renders his life meaningless, while Izzi’s acceptance of death places the utmost value in every living moment.

Are we as Latter-day Saints guilty of a similar sin? Have we in our quest for a life after death, denied our life before death? Do we fall under Albert Camus’ criticism of religion such that we ignore the injustices of our lives in pursuit of a utopian afterlife? I believe that the answer to these questions is yes. However, this need not be the case and is a result of a confused sense of what it means to be ‘eternal.’ A sense, that, if cleared of its confusion, can provide a deeper and more active sense of eternal hell, eternal life, and eternal families.

In typical LDS discourse, Mormons use the word ‘eternal’ to denote an endless duration of time. For example, when one speaks of an eternal marriage or an eternal family, ‘eternal’ is used to qualify the family bonds as being those which will last for an infinite duration . These are marital and familial relationships and commitments that will last indefinitely – families that can be forever.

However, LDS scripture provides a different sense in which the eternal should be understood. In the 19^th section of the Doctrine and Covenants, God instructs:

Nevertheless, it is not written that there shall be no end to this torment, but it is written endless torment. Again, it is written eternal damnation; . . . For, behold, the mystery of godliness, how great is it! For, behold, I am endless, and the punishment which is given from my hand is endless punishment, for Endless is my name. Wherefore— Eternal punishment is God’s punishment. Endless punishment is God’s punishment. (D&C 19:6-12)

Here, God explicitly states that the eternal and endless are not meant to be understood as endless duration, but is rather descriptive of the type or kind. This is divine punishment, punishment as God would experience it.

An example of this is given in the Book of Mormon as Alma the Younger finds himself suffering from “eternal torment” for three days:

But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins. . . . And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul. (Alma 37:12,16)

There are three important things to notice from Alma’s description. First, his eternal torment lasted only three days – this was clearly not a description of the duration. Second, Alma instead used ‘eternal’ to denote the degree of his suffering. Third, Alma did not experience this eternal torment in an afterlife; rather, he was experiencing the eternal in the here and now – in his mortality.

These are the same points made by the (non-LDS) philosopher of religion, D. Z. Phillips. In his book, Death and Immortality, Phillips argues that all too often Christian notions of immortality and eternal life are confusions resulting from language. He concludes that the eternal should not be understood as

an extension of this present life, but a mode of judging it. Eternity is not more life, but this life seen under a certain moral and religious modes of thought. . . .

Eternal life for the believer is the participation in the life of God, and that this life has to do with dying to the self, seeing that all things are a gift from god, that nothing is ours by right or necessity.

While Mormonism’s materialism is able to avoid some of Phillips’ issues with traditional Christian metaphysics, his moral and linguistic contemplations of eternal life still hold. As illustrated above, by placing an emphasis on a life after this, we de-emphasize and become essentially less sympathetic to the sufferings and injustices in this life. Furthermore, for a life after death to have any value and sense, a life before death must be similarly measurable and judged. A pursuit of a type of grand life after death does not lead to a moral living, but results in amoral living. As Phillips puts it, “It seems that if people lead a certain kind of life simply because of the final set of consequences to which it leads, they are indifferent to that way of life.” If a person chose to keep certain commandments because doing so would giver her certain rewards in the next life, she would be no more moral than an employee who performed her duties in order to receive her wage or salary. In fact, we might think quite the opposite of her. If a person only refrained from killing others because of a fear of punishment or hopes for some heavenly reward, we would hardly call that person a moral person.

As I hope to illustrate in the next three posts, our theological use of eternal should not focus on some never-ending continuation of a life after death, but should rather focus on the type of life we ought to be living before death. Eternal hell, eternal life, and eternal families are not the end results of moral living, but are rather descriptive and prescriptive of life in the present – states denoting the rejection, reception, and reflection of divine love.