project mayhem

derek at work, and his comment (see prev post) started me thinking a lot about my beliefs and life. here are some of my thoughts...

to live in happy valley, but not of happy valley

sure i rag on happy valley a bit...ok i rag on it a lot. in all reality i like it here. i don't fit the mold. i'm not shaped with the happy valley cookie cutter. but in many ways, living here has helped me shape myself. there is nothing wrong with the happy valley life. it's prolly better than what i live now. a few days ago on southpark, they portrayed mormons as obscenely happy people. it's true in many cases. people here are happy. they enjoy the life they live. i have nothing against people who enjoy living so. i just get bothered with the self-righteousness i perceive in some people. this i'm better than you attitude is not exclusive to happy valley though. it's anywhere and everywhere you go. it's a sad part of human nature. in happy valley, people think they are better than me becuz i watch southpark and rated r movies. outside of happy valley, people think they are better than me becuz i don't drink and i choose not to have sex.

i used to complain that it was hard to find things to do here in happy valley. i've come to realize it's been my fault. sure, if you like drinking, it's a little tougher, but that's never been much of an issue for me. i had friends that drank and stufs in highschool. i just never cared for it. my problem is that i stopped being social. i didn't go out to make new friends when my old ones moved out. sure there are less people here that want to go clubbin, but i know they exist. i just need to find them. lately i've been trying to be more social and have found more and more people who want to do fun stufs. there is a wide assortment of people here. people from all over the states. people who have come to realize that life here in happy valley is good. even many of those who lived the opposite of happy valley life. i guess what i'm saying is. the gospel does have the power to make us happier when we embrace it and happy valley is a good place to be able to embrace it

why do i believe anyways?

it's hard to explain why i believe so much in the gospel. at the base of it all, i guess it's just cuz i do. it's hard to explain. i just know inside, in my gut, in my deepest knowledge that god is there, that he loves me, that his son died for me, and that god restored his gospel today. beyond that, it comes to the fruit. when i apply the gospel in my life. i mean really apply it, i am happy. truly happy.

what am i not doing?

when i was dating megan, i felt like i was truly happy. i really was. prolly the happiest i had been in a year. what's different now? obviously i'm not dating megan and that does make a difference. there is something more though. when i was dating her, she sparked something in me. i started reading my scriptures again. i pushed aside my demons and tried to become a better person spiritually. my prayers became real. i've slacked and need to whip myself back into gear.

impressing others

highschool was all about what others thought about me. what a wasted life. when we spend day in and day out wondering what others think of us, we end up pursuing a life we don't really want. i still do it some. i try to make people think i'm this intellectual who thinks for himself and avoids conformity. it's bad enough when we lie about who we really aren't or don't want to be. it's even worse when we act on it and do things that aren't us or that we really don't want to be. i've tried to be myself or try to be who i want to be.

sin, guilt, integrity

why do i sometimes feel bad about doing something, but don't feel bad about doing other things that i know are wrong. i think it comes down to three things. integrity with god, integrity with others, and integrity with self. my mission president told me of an experience he had at a gas station. a lady saw his nametag and asked him if a cup of coffee would keep her out of heaven. his response was that a cup of coffee would not, but direct disobedience will. i think our level of guilt we feel is directly related to our level of commitment and integrity we are giving. i have found that when i do feel guilt for something, it is because it was something that i had committed to not doing. i broke my integrity with myself. also i have felt this guilt when i have hurt someone else in the act and lost integrity with that person. and i have felt the worst guilt when i know i committed (and i mean really committed) something to god...and then broke it. on the other end, i notice that when i lack guilt, it is when i failed or seized to commit. when i have failed to decide (or even worse, decided to fail), i have felt no guilt. i need to commit myself more. i need to make the active decision to follow god and do what is right.

what to do...what to do....

there are some changes i need to make in my life.
i need to start praying more involved and personal. my prayers lately have been a routine of thoughtless words. i need to talk to god. talk to him as if he were sitting next to me, listening and responding. i need to do this nightly and when i wake up.
i need to start really reading my scriptures again. not just reading, but studying. they can be such a powerful tool. i did well a couple months ago, but as with other things, i let it slide
i need to serve others more. what better way is there to feel loved, then by expressing it
i need to fight my demons
i need to keep myself busy. to be active
i need to focus on school better. i really want to get grad and post grad degrees. can't do that with lousy grades
i need to get out more. i complained that people don't come to hang with me. i need to let them know i'm someone worth hangin with
i need to smile. sometimes forcing a small smile can brighten our own day, not to mention others


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