Friday, April 02, 2004

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

""i have done that," says my memory. "i cannot have done that" -- says my pride, and remains adamant. at last -- memory yields."
~ friedrich wilhelm nietzsche

went and saw eternal sunshine tonight. def-def-def-definitely would recommend it. in the movie, they used some other quote of nietsche about memories, but i like the above one much better. so yeah, this movie really gets you thinking. if you could erase something or someone from your memory what would it be?

coincidently, megan and i were talking early today and i mentioned to her how most of the last year has become a blur to me. it's kind of funny what our memories choose to keep and clear. a year ago, there was some crap i wanted cleared. things that i regretted and wished were no more. it's amazing how the atonement does that kind of thing. those things are not a part of my life anymore and it's almost as if they never were.

is there anything i would want cleared from my memory? not anymore. there have been times that i have wanted to forget things, but looking back, i am glad that those things remain. what is kind of odd is often times, the memories i wanted cleared were the good memories. i guess that's because it's the good memories that can hurt the most. when my dog died, it was the good memories that made me sad, that made me miss her. those were the memories that hurt. as i said goodbye to her the night before we put her to sleep, it was the memories of laying in the park, watching her run through the grass that hurt, not the memories of chasing her through the neighborhood late at night before i'm about to go to sleep.

if you look back to the beginning of this blog, you can see that my last year was not the best of years. i found myself alone and feeling friendless. i wanted to forget the good times. to forget my friends. to forget my happy thought. i'm glad that i didn't. those are the things that i remember now. the fun times in the nook. basketball in the park. my car breaking down on the way to the cabin. chad's boat at deer creek. endless late night talking with megan. iceburg. vegas trip. the list goes on. those are the things that remain. why the hell would i want to forget stuff like that?

i think i'm blabbing now. my english sucks in this entry (actually it sucks is most my posts). i don't even know what the point of this was now. i'm glad i have memories. with them, i can forge my future with things i want to change and work for things i want to live again.

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