Monday, May 16, 2005

santa claus

when i was younger i used to believe in santa claus. my parents told me he was real. presents showed up on christmas day. why shouldn't i believe in the jolly old fella. as i got older, the notion of santa became harder and harder to accept. i had to recreate him, give him even more super powers. santa had to overcome all the doubts that i was having of him. i wanted to believe in him.

i found presents from "santa" in my parents closet. yet for some reason i still wanted to believe. i forced myself to believe. i told others i believed. deep inside, i knew he was a fraud. i held on though, i tried to bury my doubts.

one christmas eve, when i was 9, i had to pee really bad. i mean really bad. if i didn't release some pressure, there would have been an explosion of urine across my room. taking the risk of being seen by santa and scaring him away with my presents, i crept up the stairs and turned the corner toward the bathroom. there, in the family room, were my parents hanging up presents. santa's presents.

there is no santa claus.

i could no longer believe. there was no forcing it anymore. there was no turning back. sure, i could fake it still, i could pretend everything was ok. i had to make those around me happy. however, doing so was just a lie.

i just don't think i can pretend anymore.

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