Monday, May 16, 2005

santa claus

when i was younger i used to believe in santa claus. my parents told me he was real. presents showed up on christmas day. why shouldn't i believe in the jolly old fella. as i got older, the notion of santa became harder and harder to accept. i had to recreate him, give him even more super powers. santa had to overcome all the doubts that i was having of him. i wanted to believe in him.

i found presents from "santa" in my parents closet. yet for some reason i still wanted to believe. i forced myself to believe. i told others i believed. deep inside, i knew he was a fraud. i held on though, i tried to bury my doubts.

one christmas eve, when i was 9, i had to pee really bad. i mean really bad. if i didn't release some pressure, there would have been an explosion of urine across my room. taking the risk of being seen by santa and scaring him away with my presents, i crept up the stairs and turned the corner toward the bathroom. there, in the family room, were my parents hanging up presents. santa's presents.

there is no santa claus.

i could no longer believe. there was no forcing it anymore. there was no turning back. sure, i could fake it still, i could pretend everything was ok. i had to make those around me happy. however, doing so was just a lie.

i just don't think i can pretend anymore.

1 comment:

  1. The Santa story is one a lot of us have lived through--though we can't all tell it as well as you did. But your present-tense ending, "i just don't think i can pretend anymore," sounds ominous.

    Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I downloaded your papers & will try to read them this week.

    I took a trip through the Midwest at the beginning of May and spent a couple days in Nauvoo. It really is a "Beautiful City" (or town, anyway), right alongside the Mississippi. "Historic Old Nauvoo" reminded me a lot of Colonial Williamsburg, except set in the 1840s instead of colonial days. The senior missionaries put on a "show" in the evening which probably wasn't all that historically accurate but was a lot of fun anyhow.

    Sounds like you did well this semester. How much longer until you graduate anyway? Will you be taking classes all summer long?


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