Monday, May 16, 2005

santa claus

when i was younger i used to believe in santa claus. my parents told me he was real. presents showed up on christmas day. why shouldn't i believe in the jolly old fella. as i got older, the notion of santa became harder and harder to accept. i had to recreate him, give him even more super powers. santa had to overcome all the doubts that i was having of him. i wanted to believe in him.

i found presents from "santa" in my parents closet. yet for some reason i still wanted to believe. i forced myself to believe. i told others i believed. deep inside, i knew he was a fraud. i held on though, i tried to bury my doubts.

one christmas eve, when i was 9, i had to pee really bad. i mean really bad. if i didn't release some pressure, there would have been an explosion of urine across my room. taking the risk of being seen by santa and scaring him away with my presents, i crept up the stairs and turned the corner toward the bathroom. there, in the family room, were my parents hanging up presents. santa's presents.

there is no santa claus.

i could no longer believe. there was no forcing it anymore. there was no turning back. sure, i could fake it still, i could pretend everything was ok. i had to make those around me happy. however, doing so was just a lie.

i just don't think i can pretend anymore.

1 comment:

  1. The Santa story is one a lot of us have lived through--though we can't all tell it as well as you did. But your present-tense ending, "i just don't think i can pretend anymore," sounds ominous.

    Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I downloaded your papers & will try to read them this week.

    I took a trip through the Midwest at the beginning of May and spent a couple days in Nauvoo. It really is a "Beautiful City" (or town, anyway), right alongside the Mississippi. "Historic Old Nauvoo" reminded me a lot of Colonial Williamsburg, except set in the 1840s instead of colonial days. The senior missionaries put on a "show" in the evening which probably wasn't all that historically accurate but was a lot of fun anyhow.

    Sounds like you did well this semester. How much longer until you graduate anyway? Will you be taking classes all summer long?

    ReplyDelete

Please provide a name or consistent pseudonym with your comments and avoid insults or personal attacks against anyone or any group. All anonymous comments will be immediately deleted. Other comments are subject to deletion at my discretion.