Friday, December 09, 2005

day 18

i’m not sure if i won or lost my game of roulette. whichever it is, i’m still here for now, awaiting my turn. nature will win in the end. it always does. i feel it in the coldness of my bones and the silent beating of my heart. like the numbers of my clock, each beat counts down to zero.

the image of my dying self permeates my thoughts and actions. my cold dead body is in the shower. on the icy sidewalk. in the lid of my coffee. it is outside my office doors. it’s on my desk. it’s in the face of my boss as she walks to me. let the formalities begin.

she says our numbers aren’t up to where corporate wants them. it’s the same thing she told me yesterday. i know, i say, i’ll talk to my team again and try to get some more productivity going. she informs me that, as the leader of my team, the work they are doing reflex poorly on me. the same old shit as always. i’m sorry. i’ll try to figure out what is going on and find out why things haven’t been up to par lately. i ask her, how are the other teams doing she tells me that where they are at is not important and that i need to focus on my team. fuck you. i’m not sure where those words came from, but as best as i can figure, they came out of my mouth. she’s got a bewildered look on her face, a mix of astonishment and anger, and i can tell that i’m fired. like the rest of my existence, i just don’t care. while she’s looking for something to respond with, i’m looking for something important i don’t want to leave on my desk. there isn’t anything i need to grab. nothing is important anymore. before she has a chance to respond, i say goodbye and walk out the door.

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