Thursday, January 26, 2006

another post about why i suck

now i know what i am fighting for.

and what is that?


i just finished watching cinderella man. if you haven't seen it, see it. it's good. but this post isn't about the movie. it's about me.

the setting for this movie takes place during the great depression, depicting the hardships endured as families starved, froze, fought, cried, and died. lucky for us that time has passed. the great depression of the first world is long gone and we are no longer daily confronted with the gross inequalities and suffering of the world. it's still there, now it's easier to look away. around the world thousands of children, women, and men are starving to death. within miles from my apartment there is a family who is hungry, cold, and fighting to make it through the next few months. i don't know them, but i know they are there. they are everywhere. misfortunate may have hit. abuse may have left them abandoned. injury. illness. alcohol. drug addictions. it can be any of a dozen reasons. they are there and we look away.

i look away.

here i am. warm in my apartment and typing on my desktop with a highspeed connection. my laptop is in my bag. there is my ipod. there is my digital camera. there is my stereo. there is my cell-phone - complete with mp3 player, camera, media player, camcorder, the works. i've got a working car. clothes. i buy $4 lattes. i eat out all the time. i drop money on books i don't have the time to read, cds i could easily download, dvds i don't watch, clothes i don't need, and other things to add to my pile of shit i don't need.

i look at all of this. i ask myself why. i hate myself. i go to sleep. and tomorrow i wake up and forget all about it.

sometimes i comfort myself by believing that i'm doing some good. i give a little here and there, pat myself on the back, and reward myself with more shit. and that's what it is. it isn't stuff. it isn't junk. it isn't crap. it is shit. piles of it. stinking up my room and my whole person.

there is no lovely end to this post. if there was one, it'd be a lie. i've tried before, but i failed.

and i'll fail again.


  1. But think about it Loyd. I had this conversation with the people that are here with me just a few nights ago. If everyone, whether filthy rich or average or poor, did just a little more to help out those in need, how much better off the world would be. We actually discussed Oprah (I know how much you hate her) and we were talking about how much more she could do with her money. However, what it comes down to is that even though eah of us individually don´t have nearly as much money as she has, how much are we really doing to help someone else? We can´t point the blame on others until after we look at ourselves. It doesn´t even have to be money that we could be time, a listening ear, a smile. The point is, Loyd, keep in mind that your little efforts make a difference. I know you do alot, so just think about taking it a little bit more each time. Then don´t feel bad about having stuff or not doing enough because you still have a life to live and you still have to enjoy your time too. Enjoy your things, but also be proud of the efforts that you do make.

  2. I agree with Kim very much. Our care may encourage them to build their self confidence and soon lead them to rely on themselves. If you want to share a brief happy moment with them, then giving them some money... even a lot of money may help. But if you would like to help them establish a good life for themselves, we have to be patient and keep doing the little things we can do that will encourage them... one person at a time. And remember we can only share happiness if we feel happy ourselves.



Please provide a name or consistent pseudonym with your comments and avoid insults or personal attacks against anyone or any group. All anonymous comments will be immediately deleted. Other comments are subject to deletion at my discretion.