where i stand: on being a religious agnostic

re•li•gious
adj.
1. having or showing belief in and reverence for god or a deity.
2. of, concerned with, or teaching religion: a religious text.

ag•nos•tic
n.
1.
a. one who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a god.
b. one who is skeptical about the existence of god but does not profess true atheism.

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this post comes with a risk of alienating myself in church and extinguishing what little dating potential i had left in happy valley. some of you knew where i stood. some of you may be wondering. some of you may have had no clue. some of you have worried. some of you could frankly not give a damn.


i used to have a faith that was unshakable. blessings, ordinations, and setting aparts commented on this faith. i served a mission in hawaii and shared my faith and testimony on a daily basis. i knew god lived. i knew joseph smith was a prophet. i knew. i knew. i knew.

seven months ago i proclaimed myself an atheist and decided i would never again set foot inside a church. i was done with god. i was done with religion. i was done with everything. i declared it a permanent decision and considered the case closed.

what happened? what led up to this? to be honest, i’m not entirely sure. it wasn’t a single thing, but rather a conglomeration of many that just seemed to be too big of a burden to overcome. the seemingly unprophetic role of president gordon b. hinckley during 9/11 and the iraq fiasco. racism and sexism in the church. aspects of the book of mormon. anti-intellectualism in the church. metaphysics and the rejection of miracles. the problem of evil. space-time. religion as an opiate. the christian right. the lack of condemnation of the inequalities of the world. an overly byu-ish student ward that i hated going to. the list goes on…

individually, i could handle these. i had an answer and response to each one. together they were just too much. i gave up. occam’s razor. the principle of parsimony. one should not increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything. choose from a set of otherwise equivalent models of a given phenomenon the simplest one

the ensuing months after my declaration of atheism were the worst months of my life. i was constantly depressed. it seemed all meaning from my life had been stripped away. it sucked. i hated life and the world around me.


a few months ago i decided to step back into a chapel. for some reason i actually enjoyed it. i found it fun and engaging. the talks and lessons were still boring, simplistic and way off the mark of where they should be, but nonetheless i didn’t hate it. i could speak without being instantly ostracized as some wacko. i haven’t missed a meeting since.

over the past few months i have regained a love of the scriptures, joseph smith, church meetings, student wards, and religion in general. i found a way that they could truly have some valid meaning in my life. they seem more applicable and meaningful than they ever did before. real motivations for daily living. they are even more true than they ever were before.

though i now consider myself quite religious, i am agnostic. i don’t believe that god actually exists. i don’t believe that he does not exist. i just don’t know. the scriptures are true for me, but that doesn’t mean that they come from god. it doesn’t mean that they don’t. i disagree with them in many ways, but i still see them as very applicable in my life. the book of mormon is a masterpiece in almost every sense. it is a powerful piece of liberation literature that strikes harshly at the gross inequalities of the world. unfortunately most mormons who believe in the book, have no idea what they believe in. they embrace the book, but not one of its primary messages.

though i find sacraments and rites (such as the sacrament, temple, etc) fascinating and an important part of communal worship, i don’t participate because without belief i don’t think it’s appropriate to initiate myself into that aspect of the community. i don’t pray. i don’t pay tithing because i can’t support a lot of the actions the institutional church will use it towards. besides an occasional coffee, i’m ‘temple worthy’.

jesus was an amazing person. son of god? i don’t know. i do know that he knew how to love and was a prime example of how we should live. if i can only manage to be half the person he was, i’d be one hell of a man (no pun intended).

all around me in this world i see pain and suffering. i see gross inequalities and injustices. i also see good in this world and potential for even more good. i see religion(s) as a powerful way to make wonderful changes in this world, if people would be only willing to shake off the chains of prejudice, pride, and piety that act as opiate on them, and begin truly believing their religion.

all i hope to do is what i can. i’m small. i’m insignificant. i’m nothing. but i can still act. i still have the ability to create a little change. to bless the lives of other small and insignificant people like me. to alleviate a small portion of pain and suffering in the world. if there is a god, i’m sure that is what (s)he really wants.

i don’t know what the future holds. maybe some day i will truly believe again, maybe not. for now all i can do is embrace what i have, find some meaning in it, and try to do some good.


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(post script) please do not comment this with your testimonies or criticisms of religion. any other thoughts, questions and comments are appreciated.