sweet cheeses!! what the hell is that? (censored version)

i was at the gym tonight pedaling away on a stationary bike and watching the colbert report, when during a commercial break, i looked up and saw this staring at me.

my first impression was that somebody snuck in and changed the television channel to some horror movie or x-files episode. for the love of all that is good, i wish it was. unfortunately, i was quick to realize that such was not the case. this wasn't some alien being. not a frankenstein monster composed of rotting parts of different diseased humans. this was not some b-movie bride of the toxic avenger. this was the XXXX XXXXX XXXX, XXXX XXXX XXXXXXXX.


i'm not exactly sure what she was doing on television, but i'm sure that whoever let it happen (no matter how late in the night it was) will soon be fired. granted, this was cable and not broadcast television, but for heavens sake, there could be children watching! forget the children, i was watching!


once the shock faded, i found myself in a hazy state between total bafflement and nausea. believe it or not, the above photos i found of her online are her good photos, perhaps the only in existence. what i saw on the television screen still gives me the shivers as i am writing about it. was she born this way, or did her parents literally beat her with the ugly stick... repeatedly? to make it even worse, it looed like she applied her makeup on with a spackling knife to cover up her ugliness. imagine hitting someone in the face with a banana cream pie. now imagine that person is really ugly, but instead of using a cream pie, you use a pie filled with base, eyeliner, mascara, and some kind of pudding. maybe there is a reason why she is called SHERMAN WILLIAMS.

you are probably thinking: "dude, you are such a superficial ass." i'm not. i understand that beauty is more than skin deep. i'm not going to make some rash judgement on her ugliness by mere looks alone. not only did i see the XXXX XXXXX toxic lady, i listened to her speak. now i may not be some great orator, but i'm not corky from life goes on either. lady spackle face on the otherhand, makes corky sound like john f. kennedy. she may have perhaps struggled to speak with the weight of half the world's makeup bearing down on her face. i'll give her credit where credit is due. but that still does not explain the derpy derps and doobie dahs that came out of her mouth. to make it even worse, it was obvious she was reading from some cue cards or something, but her blank stare gave the impression that she wrote the cue cards herself with crayola crayons and fruity-smelling colored markers.

i'm tired now and forgot whatever else i had to say. i only pray now that my dreams tonight are not haunted by this horrendous image. i'm sorry XXX XXXXXXXX (her husband). i'm sorry. may god have mercy on your soul.