wrestling with god

i write this post with some hesitancy. partly because i don't want any extra isolation. even more because i don't want extra attention. despite these fears, i feel i need to write it up anyways...
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just before my seventeenth birthday i hurt my back. i would eventually discover that i had cracked one of my vertebrae - a fractured spinous process on my fourth lumbar. unfortunately my parents were across the pacific ocean at my maternal grandmother's (my obachan) funeral. my older brother was living in provo going to byu. at home it was just myself and my little brother bobby.

when my parent had left for japan, i was only feeling mild discomfort and believed that i had only strained a muscle in my back. after a couple days i began having difficultly walking. eventually the softest of movements would shoot excruciating pain through my whole body. on sunday, i came home from church early because i could not handle the pain. i sent bobby to his friends so that he would not have to see me in pain. i remember lying in the guestroom bed crying and not knowing what to do. by now, even breathing caused an unbearable amount of pain. as i laid there, my body went into shock. suddenly i found myself shaking and shivering uncontrollably, screaming in agony as each shiver shot a burst of pain into every inch of body.

having nowhere to turn, i remember praying aloud, crying "oh jesus. i need your help. please help me!" as i spoke these words, the shivering stopped. the pain was still there, but it was nulled with an overwhelming warmth and sense of peace. i was calm and relaxed, falling asleep a few minutes later.

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just before my twenty-sixth birthday i decided there was no god. i don't know how this happened. it wasn't really sudden, nor did it take long to develop. i just woke up one morning and found myself alone. others have tried to explain it. they were wrong. it wasn't a morality issue. it wasn't my philosophy classes. it wasn't anti-mormonism. it wasn't my frustrations with church. it just was.

i never thought i'd find myself thinking this. i had always been the guy with faith. i loved my mission. i spent two years of my mission sharing something that mean a lot to me. i had felt the spirit over and over again in my life. for some reason, these lost the meaning they once had. i swore to myself that i'd never set foot in a church again.

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i haven't been able to get that night out of my mind. the night when god helped me though my pain.

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call it god. call it a psychological experience. call it whatever. that night meant something to me and it always will. seven months after my declaration of atheism, i decided that such a hard stance was arrogant and untenable. i soon found myself stepping back into a church meeting. the last half of a year had been one of the saddest and loneliest periods of my life. i wasn't returning as a believer (whatever that means). rather i was a skeptical agnostic seeking for whatever i may find.

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for the last year, i have been what one may call active. i've been going to church most every sunday. friends ask why i go. i often ask myself why i go. i really don't have an answer - at least not one i can put into words. friends and others ask if i'm a believer. i don't know how to answer. perhaps i'm not ready to answer. perhaps there is no answer. perhaps i have to much pride to answer. or perhaps i can't put that answer into words, i can only try to show that answer through my actions - as weak as they may be at times.

i love the religious life. i want to participate in it more. like my experience with god eleven years ago, there is a part of my life that can't be explained. sure there may be rational and scientific explanations, but i wasn't experiencing scientific and rational explanations. it was more than a collection of predicates that may or may not be true.

last sunday i sat down and talked with my bishop for over an hour. a month ago, i would have never thought this would have happened. over the last year, i had never even shaken his hand and had little desire to meet with him. however, with a little coincidence (providence?) and some support from a wonderful friend, i found myself in his office having a rather enjoyable discussion. he was far more open to my concerns and issues than i ever would have expected. i left feeling like i had gained a new friend and some much needed support.

i don't know what tomorrow will bring. there are things i want and things that i fear. i guess much of it will take some time. until then, i will continue and enjoy my wrestle with god.