nine years ago today.

nine years ago today. i’m a day short of my nineteenth birthday, saying my goodbyes to my family, getting my hair length checked, and stepping into the provo missionary training center. three days earlier i was giving my farewell talk. i spoke on faith as an enabler of good works. i bore my testimony of god and the gospel. it came from my heart.
two years ago this week. i’m declaring myself an atheist. dunno where it came from. out of nowhere really. dunno where my faith went. into nowhere really.
a week ago today. i’m faithfully (with faith) taking the sacrament for the first time in a couple years. i wish i could say that some theophany or overwhelming experience occurred, but nothing dramatic happened. it was miraculous enough.

eight and half years ago. i’m sitting with my companion listening to mayrose pray for the first time in her life. no theophany. but another miracle.
six months ago. i want to rediscover that which i had lost. i’m on my knees praying. i hadn’t done it for months. i’m not sure if there was an answer.
four months ago. god answers my prayers. a theophany. an overwhelming feeling. a miracle.

eight years ago. we’re teaching alva, a seventy-five year old smoker about the word of wisdom. she had her first daughter when she was fifteen. her daughter had a daughter at fifteen. her granddaughter had a daughter at fifteen. that week, alva’s great-grandaughter gave birth to twins. alva still lives with her boyfriend of forty years. she’s unable to give up smoking.
three months ago. after having never had a drink in all my nearly twenty-eight years, i suddenly find myself wanting alcohol. dunno where it came from. out of nowhere really. some say that following a spiritual experience, satan works even harder. it happened to moses, jesus, and joseph smith. i don’t know what i think about this satan fellow, but i can’t help but feel he’s working on me. i win the battle.
two months ago. i lose the battle. i spend most of the next month drinking or getting high. and then i stop. dunno where it went. into nowhere really. though it comes back to haunt me occasionally. i’m determined not to lose again.

seven years ago. i’m finishing up two of the greatest years of my life with a trip to the laie temple. sitting in the celestial room, i can’t help but cry as i reflect on the experiences over the previous couple years. my testimony is stronger than ever.
four months ago. i’m sitting with my bishop in his office discussing my experiences over the last two years. i’ve got brand new garments in my room back home waiting to be worn. we set a goal to get me back into the temple in six months.
two months from now. it’s been a rough and difficult trip. it isn’t easy. bouncing back hasn’t been easy. but i’ve done it. i’m not sure how i feel. i’m not sure what i’m thinking. i only hope it’s been worth it.