General Conference Priesthood Tweet Session

For all the ladies (and faithless men) out there, I did my best to record the Priesthood session via twitter. Because of the character limitations imposed by twitter, most are just interpretations through my Hermeneutics of Cynicism (TM).

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Opening

• I will be live-tweeting the PH GC for all you ladies who aren't masculine enough to go to the boys-only club meeting.
• The Jazz season seems to be taking a toll on Pres Monson.
• Doctrine count (D) begins at 1 with the open prayer.

Elder Neil L. Anderson

• Anderson. Like the last 8 generations, we are generation saved for the last days.
• Anderson. The new zealand all blacks rugby team is NOT racist.
• A. Jimmer needs to serve a mission. Got that Jimmer?
• A. If Jimmer went on a mission they would have won it all. Also if Davies didn't have sex.
• A. Jesus is coming back with this generation. For realz this time.
• A. "The sun doesn't set where missionaries testify of Christ." The summer artic elders are busy.
• A. You're never too old to serve a mission, unless you are 27.
• A loves the painting with a blonde Jesus. The one that God saved. 

Elder Steven E. Snow

• Steven E. Snow. Hope is like rain. Somehow.
• S. We need the Audacity of Hope (TM)
• S. (I'm waiting for Snow to lead a Yes We Can chant)
• S. Hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope...

Elder Larry M Gibson

• Larry M. Gibson. Begins with story about breeding rabbits. Relates it to parenting. Somehow.
• G. The deacon president has 'keys'. They are 'real'. They go on a 'key chain'.
• G. Missionary duties don't begin at 19. (That's right. I was 18 when i went to the MTC )
• G. (this is actually a good talk for spiritually empowering deacon president. Other deacons don't matter though)

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

• Uchtdorf. Begins with a story. Will probably find a phrase that he will repeat through the rest of the talk.
• U. He's so handsome.
• U. Such a great tan.
• U. And jaw line.
• U. And hair.
• U. Such beautiful hair.
• U. The accent is pretty great too.
• U. "Some believe but don't know that they believe." (I didn't know U was so philosophically rich)
• U. Obligatory reference to flying and parable of planes.
• U. The phrase = 'living below our privilege'
• U. Such a handsome smile too.
• U brings the D to 5.

President Henry B. Eyring

• Eyring is starting pretty funny. People being in prison is hilarious.
• E has AIDS. Is offering to share.
• E. No fighting in quorum meetings. Need more love between men.
• E. Every quorum needs a Gary Hernandez.
• E. Old nearly dead people are kept alive in their sad sad state and not allowed by God to die so that we can serve them.
• E.... Or to baptize young lady nurses.
• E. Obligatory choking up and near tears.
• No D from the E.

President Thomas S. Monson

• Monson. Old people are funny.
• Monson. World is filthy.
• Monson. Filthy filthy world.
• Monson. Porn is filthy.
• Monson. Alcohol is filthy.
• Monson. Drugs is filthy.
• Monson. Testimony is not filthy.
• Monson. Church is not filthy too.
• Monson. Being unmarried is filthy.
• Monson. Up late crying partly because Mormons aren't getting married early enough. [This text didn't get sent from my phone for some reason]
• Monson. Hurry up and get married.
• Monson. Divorce is filthy.
• Monson. "Choose your love. Love your choice." Unless you are one of the gehys.
• Monson. Spousal abuse is filthy.
• M's facial expressions make me chuckle.
• No D from the M. Maybe doctrine is finally going out of fashion.

Closing

• Closing prayer by a black man.