Saturday, April 02, 2011

General Conference Priesthood Tweet Session

For all the ladies (and faithless men) out there, I did my best to record the Priesthood session via twitter. Because of the character limitations imposed by twitter, most are just interpretations through my Hermeneutics of Cynicism (TM).



  • I will be live-tweeting the PH GC for all you ladies who aren't masculine enough to go to the boys-only club meeting.
  • The Jazz season seems to be taking a toll on Pres Monson.
  • Doctrine count (D) begins at 1 with the open prayer.

Elder Neil L. Anderson
  • Anderson. Like the last 8 generations, we are generation saved for the last days.
  • Anderson. The new zealand all blacks rugby team is NOT racist.
  • A. Jimmer needs to serve a mission. Got that Jimmer?
  • A. If Jimmer went on a mission they would have won it all. Also if Davies didn't have sex.
  • A. Jesus is coming back with this generation. For realz this time.
  • A. "The sun doesn't set where missionaries testify of Christ." The summer artic elders are busy.
  • A. You're never too old to serve a mission, unless you are 27.
  • A loves the painting with a blonde Jesus. The one that God saved. 

Elder Steven E. Snow

  • Steven E. Snow. Hope is like rain. Somehow.
  • S. We need the Audacity of Hope (TM)
  • S. (I'm waiting for Snow to lead a Yes We Can chant)
  • S. Hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope...

Elder Larry M Gibson
  • Larry M. Gibson. Begins with story about breeding rabbits. Relates it to parenting. Somehow.
  • G. The deacon president has 'keys'. They are 'real'. They go on a 'key chain'.
  • G. Missionary duties don't begin at 19. (That's right. I was 18 when i went to the MTC )
  • G. (this is actually a good talk for spiritually empowering deacon president. Other deacons don't matter though)

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf
  • Uchtdorf. Begins with a story. Will probably find a phrase that he will repeat through the rest of the talk.
  • U. He's so handsome.
  • U. Such a great tan.
  • U. And jaw line.
  • U. And hair.
  • U. Such beautiful hair.
  • U. The accent is pretty great too.
  • U. "Some believe but don't know that they believe." (I didn't know U was so philosophically rich)
  • U. Obligatory reference to flying and parable of planes.
  • U. The phrase = 'living below our privilege'
  • U. Such a handsome smile too.
  • U brings the D to 5.

President Henry B. Eyring
  • Eyring is starting pretty funny. People being in prison is hilarious.
  • E has AIDS. Is offering to share.
  • E. No fighting in quorum meetings. Need more love between men.
  • E. Every quorum needs a Gary Hernandez.
  • E. Old nearly dead people are kept alive in their sad sad state and not allowed by God to die so that we can serve them.
  • E.... Or to baptize young lady nurses.
  • E. Obligatory choking up and near tears.
  • No D from the E.

President Thomas S. Monson
  • Monson. Old people are funny.
  • Monson. World is filthy.
  • Monson. Filthy filthy world.
  • Monson. Porn is filthy.
  • Monson. Alcohol is filthy.
  • Monson. Drugs is filthy.
  • Monson. Testimony is not filthy.
  • Monson. Church is not filthy too.
  • Monson. Being unmarried is filthy.
  • Monson. Up late crying partly because Mormons aren't getting married early enough. [This text didn't get sent from my phone for some reason]
  • Monson. Hurry up and get married.
  • Monson. Divorce is filthy.
  • Monson. "Choose your love. Love your choice." Unless you are one of the gehys.
  • Monson. Spousal abuse is filthy.
  • M's facial expressions make me chuckle.
  • No D from the M. Maybe doctrine is finally going out of fashion.

  • Closing prayer by a black man.


  1. In his story about the fighting couple in his former ward, Monson quoted the temple sealer (an assistant to the Twelve) as saying that the wife is the heart of the home, and the husband is the head. Didn't Packer say the same thing in an earlier session?

    Not a fan of this.

  2. Awesome. Laughing to tears...

  3. I would have been able to stay awake in conf better if I had commentary like that.


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