getting personal

my blog's been a lot more personal these last few days. and i've been getting a lot more hits. i guess everyone likes a little drama... as long as it isn't theirs.

it's definitely been a long several days for me, besides my birthday party up in the cabin (which i feared would turn disasterous), this has had to be one of the shittiest birthdays ever. it's my own fault though. in a really rough year, i found a lot of happiness last fall. i was really happy. i guess i just wanted to hold onto my false dream that it was real. so now it's as if it's all come tumbling down. we haven't even dated for a long time.. and now i feel as if i just got dumped... damn i can be pathetic.

the weird thing is remembering aspects of the past i know happened, but being told they never did. i'll prolly never know now. it was a different time and a different situation.

a lot has been cleared up though. i really began to wonder if our friendship was a farce. it's difficult feeling like you really care for someone and see them as your best-friend... want to do anything for them, but feeling like you are seen as just another person... it wasn't that way though. she was just scared of puffing up my hopes that she was still in love with me.

i want to be happy for her when she likes someone else. it's hard though for a couple reasons. one, i can be jealous of that person that she'll have feelings for. two, i'll be jealous of her. i really want to fall for someone. i want that feeling of having a crush. i want to really like someone again. i always get a little jealous when i see someone really liking someone else. i think it'll be harder to see my best friend having what i don't. (kinda like when i was little and all my friends had a nintendo, but my parents wouldn't let me have one)

on the brightside, i've got a date with emily tonight. it'll be the first 2nd date i've had since last fall. i dunno though. i feel like i've already hit my usual 1 or 2 week interest limit. we'll see....