ends and beginnings

i had a late talk with my little brother last night. i haven't really had much of a serious talk with him before. i dunno if it's because he's family so i feel more comfortable around him. i dunno why, but i cried. i'm 26 years old and i cried like a child.

for the last couple years, i haven't been happy. sure, there were plenty of moments here and there. sure, i faked it until i believed it at times. but overall, i just haven't been happy. i guess it started with my disfellowshipment and just continued on. the dissolution of my group of friends didn't help either. some got married. some moved away. some went active in the military. others just faded. i suddenly found myself alone without the support i had leaned on through the tough times.

nobody likes someone who is sad all the time, so i turned myself into the second most despised of beings - the constant cynic. instead of finding a new group of friends and focusing on fixing myself, i tried to find faults in others and focus on the depravity of humanity. this site is a prime example of such pursuits. over time, i found myself skeptical of others who reached out as friends and forced myself out of opportunites to meet people. i criticized all that used to make me happy - friends, religion, and people. i was incredibly lonely, but at the same time refusing to break out of it.

in the process of all of this, i've ruined friendships and other relationships. i've created a struggle with my faith. i've physically messed myself up. i've hurt others along the way. i've forced myself into a state of loneliness that i couldn't stand being in.

i told my brother all of this last night. it's something i've always known, but not something i've really really admitted to anyone. i cried. afterwards, i slept better than i have in months.

tonight i got another slap in the face. not the bad kind, but more of wake-up and look at yourself slap in the face. an affirmation of what i had admitted to my brother (and thus openly admitted to myself). it was one of those really crappy, but really good conversations. crappy, because i realized that my attitude had resulted in the ruin of a friendship i cared a lot about (and possibly ruined too far to repair). good, because it made me want to change.

the awesome part of the atonement or repentance or whatever you want to call it is the realization that the past is just that.... the past. sure it's a part of your life that can't be dismissed, but it is also something that has happened and can't be changed. we learn from it and we move on. it doesn't have to be and shouldn't be revisited and dwelt on. the private moment of repentance and forgiveness marks a new beginning. a fresh start to live again.

i need to apply that to more than just sins.

right now, the next hour, the next day. every moment marks a new beginning. a chance to break the chains that i've wrapped around myself a free myself from my past and my frustrations. instead of remembering all that makes me angry and/or sad, i can find and look forward to all that which can bring me something else.

as i fell asleep last night, i found myself wanting to go to church again. yes, the lds one. unfortunately, i had to work today. there is always next week though. i think i'll do it. i still want to try church-hopping, but i don't see why i can't do both. though i may have to take it slow. heck, maybe i'll even talk to a bishop.