Monday, July 04, 2005

she (a buried post)

(i wrote this a couple weeks ago but never posted it. i guess i was scared that she might read it and that all hell might break lose. i don't think i have to worry about either of those anymore. not sure why i'm posting it now. it was sitting on my laptop and i guess i didn't want it to go to waste. plus, as the success of reality tv shows, people love watching drama that isn't their own)

i wake up to the laugh of the neanderthal. my roommate's girlfriend. that shrill sound that makes that spot on the lower left side of the back of your neck cringe. but this post isn't about that. it's not about her. it's the total opposite.


i have known her since the beginning of the year. well, known of her. it wasn't until a couple months later, when i gathered up the courage to ask to her out for dinner, that i really got the chance to get to know her. not only is she amazingly beautiful, she's incredibly brilliant, insightful, and all those what's inside things that makes her stand up above the rest. one of those persons i could talk with for hours or days straight and never feel bored.

the other night, i really wanted to kiss her... and that scared me.

most of the relationships i've been in have started really fast, got physical just as quick (if not quicker), and subsequently had a speedy demise. before they had something to build on, they became meaningless hormonal adventures (see also: superficial, shallow). without that something, these relationships got measured by the levels and frequencies of each physical encounter. eventually, that's all they were.

i don't want that again, especially here.

we've got something special between us. i'm not sure how to describe it. in some ways, it's a kind of friendship that i really haven't had before. it's deeper than just liking someone, but not... i dunno how to say it. as i told her, she's the first girl that i've looked at and thought to myself, wow. i really like her. not just as a girl, but as a person as well. i know this all sounds pathetically cheesy, but i don't know how else to describe it.

i want to take things slow. my gut says that's what needs to happen. i've just never really done that before and not quite sure how to do it.

turned out i had things all wrong. well, not all wrong. she's still an incredible person, but the feelings weren't mutual. i still don't understand everything. everything sorta came crashing down tonight. i'll be honest that it hurt. part broken heart, part frustration with the dating scene in general, but mostly because i let my feelings for her ruin what should have been a good friendship. i wish i could just turn things off and on, but it's unfortunately not that easy.

i finally got the closure i desperately needed to move on, but not the closure i wanted to understand exactly what transpired. there were definitely mixed signals and poor communication through everything, i just didn't get the closure of understanding what those signals were supposed to be. oh well, can't expect it all. lol... i can't believe i let myself get so caught up on someone i wasn't even dating.

not sure what the status is now. eight-ball says "not looking good". if so, i hope i can still at least get my southpark dvds back.


  1. Sometimes it takes these types of experiences to learn where we're at and what we need to do...reevaluate and learn we need to take care of #1. All girls have issues. Unfortunately, girls specialize in mixed signals and poor communication, too. It's ok to cry. Everyone has to do it once in a while, or they aren't human. Obviously you care about your life and where it's going. The right girl will come along when we least expect it. Forget about this one. You're a great guy loyd. she probably never watched the southpark dvd's. she probably borrowed them just to impress you. Oh, and..."be sure to wipe your butt so you don't get stains on your underpants"

  2. Wow. That sucks. Really sucks. We've all been there, but that's not very comforting.

    Your feelings were so amazingly real. Unlucky girl. Better luck next time? I so hate it when people tell me that, but there's nothing else to say, really.

  3. hey this has nothing to do with your girl problems, which i am sorry about, but who sings the song on your website when it loads? thanks!

  4. Seriously, Tory Betts is the hottest guy ever!

  5. gloriusconundrum,

    thanks. yeah it sucks. unlucky me. oh well, in some ways it needed to happen. it was a wake-up call to focus on some things in my life that need to be tended to.


    it's upward, over the mountain by iron and wine on his the creek drank the cradle album. he's easily one of my favorite musicians right now.


    sorry that tory is married. it must suck. i feel your pain. i once loved tory as well. too bad mel had to come and snatch him away from us.

  6. I totally have crushes on Loyd and Derek. You guys are ultra hot. Oh yes, ultra hot


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