Wednesday, October 26, 2005

four years ago

technology ruined everything. there was no numbered placard to hold in my hands. no ruler behind my head declaring my height. no remaining ink residue on my fingers. instead, everything was done digitally. the photograph was instant with my name and number digitally linked. even my fingerprints were taken digitally. thin glass covering a red glow replaced the ink and paper.

rewind 3 months to early july. i had just finished painting a few new buildings in the lakeridge apartment complex behind walmart and was cutting across uvsc to finish up a building in the stonycreek complex further north. it was the same routine. it's a stop sign, not a yield sign. i'm going to have to right you up for that. i know it's in the middle of summer and you are the only person who has driven on this road in the past hour. i know i'm an asshole. i'm also going to write you up for driving left of center because i had my left testicle removed in a freak accident with a sheep. sign here. it doesn't admit of guilt, but only says that you agree to go to the orem courts in the next 5 to 14 days.
mistake #1 - cutting through uvsc

14 days later i'm at the orem courts to pay the pair of tickets. the old, bee-hive haired lady tells me that they have no record of my ticket and i should try back in a week. a week later she tells me the same thing. she's my angel. a messenger from god. my son, where are they that condemn thee? for your righteousness i am forgiving you of your traffic violations. go and violate no more. i drive home and forget all about it.

mistake #2 - i'm a sinner (aren't we all?)

fast forward to october 26, 2001. i had just broken up with my pseudo-fiance and spent the week in bed with the flu. it's late, i'm feeling a little bit better, and i want a burrito. thinking i'm not going to leave my car, i set off for taco bell in board shorts and a blue aloha shirt. just before i reach taco bell, i'm alerted by some red and blue flashing lights behind me. speeding. damn. i pull over alongside the curb on freedom boulevard (where i would later be hit by a semi three years later)

do you know what the speed limit is? i had no idea. do you know how fast you were going? i don't know that either. where were you headed? i want a burrito. can i see your license and registration please? i hand it over and wait.

and wait.

and wait.

eventually the provo cop returns. he's a nice fellow. just under six feet tall. shaved head to hide his receeding hair line. no visible tattoos or scars. asks if i have any unpaid traffic tickets.

part of being forgiven is forgetting the transgression. god forgave me (or so i thought) and i forgot. the nice provo cop informs me that there is a warrant issued for my arrest for failing to appear in court. instantly i remember. oh shit. i tell my story.

the nice provo police officer tells me that if it was a provo-issued warrant, that he'd tell me to hit the court the next day to clear things up and send me on my way. however, he adds that because it was issued by the uvsc/orem police, he'd have to contact them about the warrant. furthermore, he tells me that because uvsc cops are all sadistic assholes, they would most likely want to book me into the utah county jail.

mistake #3 - living in happy valley

once again, i wait. and wait. and wait. eventually another police car pulls up to join our little get-together. guess who steps out...

you guessed right. the same asshole who issue me two traffic violations and was too stupid to file them in on time. before i know it, i'm handcuffed and hauled off to jail.

it is true that you get a phone call (or at least they let me have one). hey dad! guess what? i'm in jail and need to get bailed out. (pause) i'm not joking. i'm telling the truth. (more disbelief). dad, i wouldn't joke about this. (pause) ok... i joked about this last week, but this time i'm not lying... eventually he believes me and bails me out.

that is where part one of this story ends and part two begins... my quest for compensation.


  1. Stop being such a crazy-ass driver. Then you won't have to deal with these situations.

  2. so at which point did you get the revelation that you were forgiven? should've kept checking back until it was there. am i wrong?


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