Friday, July 14, 2006

me and my (not so little?) blog (redux)

after a discussion with some friends about the whole mkh ordeal, i've decided to repost my original apology (especially for those who really hated my original 'sweet cheeses' post. i've taken out some of the more specific and incriminating aspects of it


one of the debates in utilitarianism is the question on how to measure suffering in respect to happiness. does hurt and pain count as negative values in the equation determining the greatest amount of happiness? or is absolute suffering and misery a zero value, with any lesser degree being a positive push toward an infinite level of joy?

this question didn't cross my mind as i typed up my last post.

instead the question that crossed my mind was of how many people i could get to laugh. a funny idea crossed my mind that night and i wanted to put it out there before it had left. unfortunately, late at night i don't always make the best judgements (perhaps there is some truth to the whole holy-ghost-has-a-bedtime-thing).

as i was writing, i didn't really care about xxxx xxxx's feelings. now i'm not that cold and shallow. i knew that what i was writing was rude and potentially hurtful. i just didn't think that there was any actual potential for it to cause any hurt. i didn't think that she (or anyone close to her) would ever read it. instead i thought about what others would think of me after reading it. i figured that some would think i was an ass, but decided the potential laughter of others would outweigh the potential disdain.

the post drew the laughs i was expecting, but it also raised some valid criticisms. i still didn't give any thought of the what if she read it idea, because that wasn't going to happen. however, it gave me much thought about the person i was and the effect such an attitude has on the people around me. the problem is not about what i think of mrs. huntsman - the chance that my path will ever cross with her's is slim to none. the problem was that my post reflected my attitude toward humanity as a whole. it showed that i was a hypocrit; that i didn't live up to my own proclamations of realizing and upholding the value, rights, and worth that every person has. furthermore, like 'harmless' racist and sexist remarks, comments that jokingly demean others too often act like a communicable disease that spreads and silently inflicts and ultimately hurts others.

to be honest, i don't think [xxxxxxx] is ugly. if she was i wouldn't have written about it. is she an aging barbie doll who perhaps wears too much makeup? yes, but so are most women today. she was probably gorgeous in her prime and how she looks now is not so much a reflection of her, but a reflection of our patriarchal society and the pressure we put on women to look a certain way. it's a reflection of me. everytime i say someone is ugly or fat or whatever, i'm adding that much more to a culture that preys on emotions and self-esteem of others - even if i'm saying it in satirical jest.

i was planning on writing much of this as a comment on the previous post in response to some of the anonymous comments i recieved. however, as i was stewing over the best way to put it, i recieved a swift kick in the balls (also known as nards, testicles, huevos, nuts, buddies, and family jewels) from the first lady of utah (or an imposter). the idea that didn't cross my mind quickly did. an anonymous commentor's prediction of karmic retribution proved true. my attempt to point out the ugly outward appearance of another proved to point out my own inner ugliness.


  1. Thanks for re-posting this, Loyd, because I never got to read it the first time. I'll admit that I thought your original post was awful... a miserable reflection of the ills of a stifling patriarchal society and a testament to the double standards we face every day (if you had seen an old, ugly man up there on the screen you probably wouldn't have thought "hey, i could make a funny post out of this," because we just don't judge men by their appearance in the same way we do women.)

    BUT, having said all that, your apology is so refreshing. It's really amazing how, even though you got kicked in the balls (and well you should have), you retained your manhood by so honestly reevaluating the things you said. I think you're cool for being willing to learn from this. (Between you and me, I do think the ruckous all of this caused was ridiculous, and I feel for you because of that. Though I do think the size of the ruckous is another reflection of how patriarchy affects women.) Anyway, props to you, Loyd. Your brand of honesty is something we could all use more of, and I wish I had more of it too.

  2. a miserable reflection of the ills of a stifling patriarchal society and a testament to the double standards we face every day

    that was awesome.

  3. kel:

    i think this is all a sad testimonial that as much as i try to fight and deny our patriarchal culture, i am still deeply embedded in it.

  4. We all are. I realized today as I talked with Bryant that I've got a lot of double standards myself. We're just humans and we make mistakes. In the end, I guess I'm just pretty glad to be alive, even if there is a lot of crap in the world. (But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try improving things. ;) As happy as I am to be alive, I don't want to be complacent.)

    ...Sometimes my pie in the sky ideas seem ridiculous.


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