Wednesday, February 07, 2007

day 47

Aquaphobia. It’s the fear of deep waters; not to be mistaken with hydrophobia, which is a later stage of rabies. When I was young, anything over my head was too deep. I couldn’t swim. I hated boats, bridges, dams, and anything else that posed a serious threat to my life. Somehow, in some way, I would drown. It would be the end of me. When I was fourteen, I decided to jump into my uncle’s pool when nobody was around. The cool water soothed my fear. I lived and learned to swim that day.

Thanatophobia. It’s the fear of one’s own personal death; not to be mistaken with necrophobia, which is the fear of dead things. When she died, it was rather sudden. She was already gone before I had the chance to see her one last time. Accidents can be so tragic. We never saw it coming. She never saw it coming. Death became something tangible and the reality of my mortality came alive. I feared it.

When my mortality became more eminent, I decided to jump in once again. The cool vitality soothed my fears. As long as I can, I hope to continually swim in these waters. I no longer have a fear of death. I only fear not living.

Outside, the moon is rising over the eastern mountains. I set out across the cool, crisp grass for an evening walk. Zitianos shines approvingly overhead. It’s a perfect night for a swim.

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