dear cliche dissenting republicans - proving sean hannity does not have a monopoly on insults and name-calling.

(i stole the first half of the title from a southpark episode).

originally, this post was going to be titled 'rocky! rocky! rocky! rocky!' however, i decided that the title would not have been fitting. last night's debate between rocky anderson and sean hannity did not resemble the epic battles of rocky balboa, our beloved itallian stallion. while rocky anderson threw some fantastic punches, sean hannity was no formidable opponent. he was no apollo creed or ivan drago. rather, hannity resembled the snotty loud-mouthed fat kid who sat in the back of my 5th grade classroom spewing insults, somehow believing that his name-calling made him tough and intelligent.

in case you missed the debate, here is a short synopsis:

for thirty minutes, rocky gave a well organized argument, providing evidence that george w. bush intentionally (or extremely stupidly) deceived the american people in building his case to attack iraq.

for thiry minutes, hannity gave a strawman argument, providing 15 ad hominem fallacies, 6 uses of the term 'liberal' in a derogatory manner, and 5 unsubstatiated claims that american  servicemen and service women were fighting in iraq "for us."

then, for fiften minutes rocky took way too long trying to formulate questions for hannity, while hannity took just as long avoiding the questions.

then for fifteen minutes, hannity continued personally attacking rocky occasionally asking questions which anderson intelligently answered.

finally, for 10 minutes rocky answered questions asked by the audience, while hannity talked about stuff in response to questions.

i know. it sounds really exciting.

enough about the debate. this post is directed to all of the cliche dissenting republicans who have been so hannitized (apparently a sexually transmitted disease) that they managed to somehow leave the debate actually believing that hannity won the debate.

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dear cliche dissenting republicans,

you, like me, are a member of the human race. we are intelligent beings. we do intelligent things that no other animal does (besides maybe apes, chimpanzees, dolphins, and crows). we drive cars. we use utinsils to eat. we utilize fire, electricity, chemical reactions, refrigeration, the internet, and the wheel. we do all of these relatively smart things. yet, even though you have these amazing capabilities, you can seem so... what's the word... stupid at the same time.

but i believe in you nonetheless. because you have the ability to write using pencils, pens, crayons, and scented markers i believe you are smarter than this. because you have been successfully potty-trained (included the ability to use toilet paper), i believe that you have the mental capacity to rise above your cliche dissenting ways.

i really don't believe your're that stupid. however, to think that intelligent people like you still hold these crazy ideas hurts my head, leaving me disoriented with a bit of vertigo.

instead i like to believe that you are just really ignorant. and hey, it's not all your fault. many of you have been hannitized against your will. it's ok. you're not alone.

and lucky for you, there is a cure. it's called 'information.'

and to get you started on your recovery, here is some of that information.

*there are no weapons of mass destruction in iraq. some of you still have this naive view that wmds (like the easter bunny) will be discovered buried somewhere in iraq. i know bush told you they were there. he was wrong. he admitted he was wrong. that's right, even your beloved bush has admitted that the intelligence was flawed and that those wmds just plain don't exist. again, there are no wmds in iraq. none.

*saddam hussein and osama bin laden were not working together. again, your own beloved bush has admitted it. there was no connection between hussein and 9/11. in fact, they hated each other. bin laden thought that hussein was just another capitalist spawn of satan.

*iraq had NOTHING to do with 9/11. the only connection that exists between 9/11 and iraq was bush's appeal to and abuse of the emotions of 9/11 to stir up support for his pre-9/11 plans to attack iraq.

*saddam hussein and iraq were not a threat to america. no wmds. no ties to terrorist attacks against america. no real power due to the u.n. and other watchdogs monitoring hussein's every action.

*american soldiers in iraq are not fighting "for us." they are not fighting for american freedoms and liberties. they are not fighting for your family, for your religion, or for anything else you hold dear (except maybe the gas in your suv). i know it sounds terriblt and un-american to you cliche dissenting republicans to say this, but it's true. the war in iraq is not protecting these things for us in any way, simply from the fact that they were not threatened in the first place. the war in iraq is defending your freedoms just as much as clipping my toenails is protecting the midwest from a massive zombie attack.

*america is not safer because of the war in iraq. in fact, quite the opposite is true. united states intelligence has shown that america is under a greater threat to terrorist attacks because of the war in iraq. middle-eastern hostility against the united states has sharply risen because of our occupation. iraq has become a vast breeding ground for terrorists. our neglect of afghanistan has allowed the taliban to regain strength and further support al qaida.

*informed and valid alternatives to bush's 'stay the course' plan have been offered. i am so sick and tired of hearing some of you cliche dissenting republicans ignorantly crying that 'liberals' and democrats are only criticizing bush and not offering up alternatives to bush's plan. several alternatives have been provided. in fact, one of the best and most developed plans was developed by a group headed by james baker (bush sr's secretary of state). it's called the iraq study group report. it is by far the most comprehensive plan made to deal with iraq, developed largely by conservative republicans. yet, your beloved bush has largely ignored the guidance offered by the plan. again, the iraq study group was headed by your beloved bush's daddy's secretary of state. please read it and quit your bitching.

*acknowledging that the war in iraq cannot be won is not defeatism - it is realism. the war in iraq cannot be won because it is a not a kind of war that can be won. there is no enemy to be defeated in iraq because there is no defined enemy. this isn't like world war two with america fighting the nazis or the japanese. the real war in iraq isn't america verses anyone. its a civil war between the shias and sunnis. its a civil war almost 1,400 years old. we cannot win the war in iraq militarily, because it's not our war to be won. we are merely there pointing our pistols telling people to stop fighting. the truth of it is, they don't care about our pistols. they are going to kep fighting until they decide they want to stop. our pistols only increase their aggression against eachother and us. to say that our military cannot win the war in iraq is not a claim against american soldiers and american military strength. it's a realist claim about the situation in iraq.

*iraq is not a better place because of america's invasion and occupation. i am not denying that some good things have happened in iraq. however, they are minimal compared to the atrocities and continual suffering occuring in iraq. saddam's regime of tyranny has been replaced with a government full of corruption. yes, we are building schools and hospitals, but those are only a fraction of the schools and hospitals we have destroyed, and much of what we build isn't lasting very long. stable infrastructure is practically non-existant in much of iraq. millions of iraqis have gone without stable water and electricity since we started bombing them - something they were easily able to count on before our invasion.


so my dear cliche dissenting republicans. please take this information. take it daily. take it hourly. take it any moment you can. take it with a meal, or take it on an empty stomache. but don't stop with this. there is so much more for you to take in. and don't just take it from me. seek a second, third, and fourth opinion. take this information in wherever you find it. take it in and then use that wonderful intelligent that you have. apply those things that make you different from tadpoles, sea lions, and tree stumps.