Notes from the exclusive no-girls-allowed club meeting.

Here are some of my notes from tonight's priesthood session. Especially for you women who have been dutifully having babies and doing the laundry and whatever else it is you do because you don't have the priesthood. Only those in quotations are direct quotes, the rest are paraphrased or satirized to the best and worse of my ability.
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Opening with the MTC choir. So young and malleable.

Elder Russell M. Nelson

• Missionaries today are same as in NT. Thus missionaries will now go serve without purse or script.
• We need more missionaries because everyone needs Mormon rites. Cuz that's what God wants most.
• Link to mormon.org on your blog and make a personal profile that says what we want you to say. (note that I fulfilled my duty here)

Elder Patrick Kearon

• Best GC accent ever.
• If you wear flip flops to church a scorpion will get you.
• Straying from the track is fatal with no exceptions. Except not really.

Elder Juan Uceda

• Story about a father who self-righteously yelled at her daughter, making her cry. Apparently he couldn't figure out himself that he needed to apologize and instead went to his room and prayed about what he needed to do to bring peace to his family. God tells him to apologize to his daughter. Entire audience simultaneously thinks "Well, duh."
• Get over yourself and your self-righteousness and learn to apologize.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

• He is just so handsome. He is so tan and has such great facial features and the most beautiful hair.
• Pride violates the two great commandments. It says I am better than you.
• Pride is the marijuana of sin.
• "Our team is the brotherhood of men." (best quote of the night--sorry sisters, I'm sure you can at least be the back up team).
• Pride has infected politics, race, and religion.
• Humility is to lose ourselves in the service of others.
• There are so many people in need that we should be thinking about instead of ourselves.

President Henry B. Eyring

• Be like the pharisees to get the ambiguous gifts of the holy ghost.
• Even the deacon has great responsibilities. But to be honest, they're just kids and we don't really expect or ask them to do much.
• Priesthood has responsibility to help those in need.

President Thomas S. Monson

• The 3 R's of choice: rights, responsibilities, results.
• "Lucifer, that clever pied piper" (I just really liked this line)
• Doing drugs can make you see the chesire cat.
• There are no exceptions about playing sports on Sunday. Except Steve Young, Dale Murphy, Danny Ainge, Mormon olympians, and other athletes that we brag about and want to use for proselytizing and faith-promoting purposes.