Wednesday, May 26, 2004

dr jekyll and mr loyd

a year ago, i was in a situtation that left me feeling pretty different than most everyone else here in happy valley. there were a few special friends that understood me and i felt normal just the same around them, but with others... they didn't judge me or anything... most of them didn't even know, i felt different and like an outsider nonetheless. to cope with this, i took pride in being different. this was especially true the last few months of it. most of my close friends had moved out or temporarily parted ways. this left me feeling really different and quite alone.

as i said, to cope with this, i began to glorify myself as being different. nothing outward, mostly just inside. a few months later and my ordeal was over. i wasn't all that different anymore. the desire to be different still remained. i had to act out, brag about, and exagerate my differences in order to remain the unique snowflake i wanted to be. the problem was, as people got to know and accept me... i had to try harder to be different.

i'm more out going and happier now, but i think that's more of a result of finishing what i went through. for much of it, i don't like what i've become. i noticed this a lot after i moved. i also really noticed this a month or so ago when i first met with sara. she wanted to know who loyd was and i set out to paint a picture of this out-there freak. in some ways i feel like i'm a caricature of this image i set out to be. a person who i really don't care for. i don't want to be the same as anyone. i don't want to be different. i just want to be me.

another great help in making me realize this were some pretty straight-forward words from someone i trust, who loves me, had seen this change, and could say it without hurting me. thanks.


  1. What's wrong with being the same as some in particular ways? I mean you are LDS so that, by default, is going to be the same as most of the people you are around there in Provo. I would also say that, at the same time, you ARE different than a lot of other people you are around, even with religion. I don't think you need to flaunt differences and/or controversy to be a unique individual (which is what it sounds like you are going for.) Perhaps if you just took the time to sit back and realize who you are and are not, without the pressure of being "different" then you will realize that it doesn't matter. Just so long as you are who you want to be then it doesn't matter what everyone else is like.

  2. when i say i don't want to be the same. i mean that i don't want to set goals on being like everyone else, just as i don't want to set goals on being different than everyone else. i just want to be who i am. but then again, is it possible to be someone without a comparison to everyone else?

  3. This is just a thought and not necessarily related to this idea. When we start describing ourselves we do it in terms of things that make us different than others. Like I wouldn't say I'm a human being because everyone else is that too. Instead I'd probably say something like I'm a redhead or something like that. Anyway, you can look at yourself either way, as being like everyone around you or different than others. I just don't see how it matters all that much. It's good to set goals for yourself, but you shouldn't worry as to whether they're mainstream or not. Probably you already are thinking like that anyway, but yeah. I'm awesome.


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