Saturday, December 10, 2005

day 164 (the end)

i can’t wait any longer. i need this meaninglessness to end. reaching under my bed, i pull out the orange nike shoe box. whatever happened with those shoes? it doesn’t matter. nothing does. a shell from my game of russian roulette still lies in one of the six chambers. i open the box of bullets. .44 magnum. these could put a nice large hole wherever it hit. a venti sized hole. i grab another shell by its brass casing and press it into a second chamber. when i was three, i was sure i would die on my big wheel. another shell fills the cylinder. at fourteen, i thought it was my time. only two chambers left to fill. after colliding with a semi at twenty-four, i thought i would never see tomorrow. five of the six chambers are now filled. at twenty six, i knew it was the end. i grab one more shell and slide it into the last chamber. there will be no mistaking it now. i spin the cylinder for good luck before locking it into place. for the first time in a while, i feel content. the barrel still tastes black and cold in my mouth.

i pull the trigger


  1. Incredibly intense.
    I really admire people who have the guts to show their work while it's in process. Pete Townshend is doing the same thing on his blog at
    I've been showing little snippets of my story on my blog, but they're always hidden at the end of other posts. I'm too superstitions/too paranoid to show things in their entirety until they are copyrighted and published. I will post my poems sometimes, however.
    I try to understand the psyche of people who commit suicide. My second cousin committed suicide this summer. I've been tempted more than once and in the past made half-assed attempts. I have bipolar disorder type II and am on Lithium. So the thought doesn't haunt me as much. What does haunt me is the idea that Sylvia Plath (who was also bipolar) posed. That people like her (and me) never know when the Bell Jar will descend on us again.
    I don't know if you're interested but I made a post in tribute to a disturbed young man whom I didn't know but who touched my heart. Your incredible story reminded me. Here is a link to my post if you are interested:
    The only thing we can do for people like this fellow, and my second cousin, is pray for the healing of their soul.
    Please accept this long and rambling comment as a real compliment to your abilities as a writer. What you have created is truly incredible!
    (The Infamous Cheesemeister)

  2. thanks for all your comments monsieur chesemeister. how did you come across my blog anyways?

  3. Very well written. I'm impressed.

  4. Actually, my olde memory fails me. I can't remember how I found your blog! But I'm glad I did.
    Senor Narrator, you have made one small mistake, however. I am, despite this most handsome mustache on my upper lip, a Madame! ;-)

  5. my sincerest apologies madame cheesemeister


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