friendship

let me tell you a story about how lame i am. me. loyd. king of dicks.

a few years ago when i was really struggling, he was someone i could really turn to for help. there really wasn't anybody else i felt like i could go to, who wouldn't judge me, and who would give me the encouragement i needed. unfortunately, the night i got disfellowshipped, he had to depart for active duty for the reserves. another reason to dislike our semi-retarded president. thanks a freakin' lot mr. bush.

skip a few chapters to this last spring. student housing contracts keep us from being roommates again, but we've been talking and planning to find somewhere for us and a few others to live. my brother and other current roommate go apartment hunting and find something. close to school. fairly new. not too expensive. not byu-housing. not even student housing. only problem, three bedrooms, four of us, and we have to committ by the next day. without saying anything to my friend, i sign up to live with my brother and my other friend. yeah, i'm that lame. not a good friend.

i feel bad and don't have the balls to tell him i bailed out on our plan. so what do i do, i ignore him. he calls and i don't call back. yes, i was busy. school and work were draining almost all of my time. however, that's a lame excuse. i could have made time. i made time for other friends. i dunno why i did it. months go by. he occasionally calls to hangout. i see his name on my caller id. hit the ignore button. he leaves messages and i don't try to contact him at all. i suck that bad.

flip the page to the next chapter. this summer. i'm going through some rough times again. my brother is rarely around. my other roommate is practically married or whatever they want to call it. i finally give him a call. no matter how much of an ass i had been, he blows it off and doesn't care. that almost pissed me off. i deserved to be told to screw off. he should have let me have it. but he didn't.

it's sometimes difficult to write on this without seeming too cheesy, gay, or mushy. so i'm going to end this here and just say that it's been great hanging out with him again.

new book and tidbits

just finished wittgenstein's poker. who'd ever think that the story of a confrontation of two philosophers could be so exciting. the book was a #1 top national bestseller for a while, so i know it's not just nerds like me. i'm definitely even more excited for my wittgenstein class in the fall.



in queue is jean-paul sartre's truth and existence.


-------------------

in other news...

i've lost about 20 lbs this summer. combination of excersize and a lack of hunger.

not sure if i've mentioned it, but i'm getting 9600 in financial aid this upcoming school year.

war if the worlds is a pretty fun flick

my recent post about slave morality, legalism, etc. was either too long or too whatever to elicit many responses - though i have gotten a few e-mails about it

a giant bird-thing just drove past my window. either it's a float for the parade or i need more sleep

i've pre-ordered the new harry potter book. i can still be a kid at heart, right?

not sure if i've been played for a fool or what is going on

tidbits

my laptop is starting to fade and widgets have converted me. so i think i may get myself an ibook for the fall. not only are they light, reliable, and have widgets, they're hella sexy too.


saw land of the dead. don't bother seeing it. it's just another lame and gory zombie flick. not cool and funny like shaun of the dead.


hung out with my buddy's girlfriend's roommate last night. she's pretty and all... but i guess we'll see....


mountains were awesome today. nice day for a short hike and read.


that's about it.

slave morality, legalism, repentance, freedom, love, and a testimony

i got a random text message yesterday morning from someone who had read much of what i have written here and over at provopulse.com. this is a response to him, as well as some thoughts sprouting from conversations with my roommate as well as with another friend. they may or may not be related to previous posts that i have written about chastity and the atonement (which i may or may not represent my current views). it's rather long and poorly written, but i would appreciate any thoughts you may have on it. (private comments can be sent to loydo38 at ericsonhome dot net)

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scenario 1:
i command my little brother to make me a sandwich and tell him it is the right thing to do. if he refuses to make me a sandwich, i'll beat him with a stick.if he obeys, then he will have the wonderful blessing of not being beaten. bobby thinks to himself, notes that he does not like being beaten, and makes me a sandwich.

scenario 2:
i command my little brother to make me a sandwich and tell him it is the right thing to do. if he obeys and makes me a sandwich, i'll give him ten dollars. if he refuses, then he doesn't get anything. bobby thinks to himself, notes that he likes getting money, and makes me a sandwhich.

both of these polarized, yet very similar scenarios are part of what i feel plague christianity and mormonism today; the former more with modern christianity (especially the evangelical strain), the latter with modern mormonism. this is what i call a slave morality. this is 'moral' decision making essentially being forced by promises of punishments and/or rewards. a person chooses to live chaste so that they won't have tp be punished with hell or chooses to be chaste so that they can recieve all the blessings in heaven. a person chooses not to lie, so that they won't have to burn in the fires of hell or chooses not to lie so that they may have their ocean-view mansion in heaven. by living and making choices based on personal consequences, a person essentially dissolves their moral freedom and becomes an amoral slave.

i know some of you are reading this and thinking to yourself, but wait! they still have their freedom. they are choosing to get a reward or avoid punishment! and that is exactly why i call this a slave morality. in the same sense, the african slaves of not too long ago had the choice of whether or not they wanted to do as their master ordered them. they could have disobeyed if they wanted, but we would hardly call them free.

scenario 3:
i command my brother to make me a sandwich and tell him it is the right thing to do. i don't mention any consequences. bobby thinks to himself, recognizes me as his fraternal and intellectual authority ;) and makes me a sandwich.

though there are no rewards or punishments in this scenario, the slave element remains. in each of these scenarios, making me a sandwich has no essential morality. it is not in itself right or wrong. it only has a value because i have said it does. bobby gives up his moral freedom when he decides to make me a sandwhich just because i told him to and because i told him it was the right thing to do. this is the slave morality taught to children when they sing the primary songs follow the prophet and keep the commandments. by absolving ourselves from our own moral judgements, we are becoming slaves to those who we allow to make those moral judgements for us.

now some of you think to yourselves, but this isn't about sandwiches! this is about commandments from god!!!! i have discussed the prophet/god issue elsewhere and don't want to get into it here. however, even if god were to somehow clearly and absolutely give us a commandment, our following it just because god said so, is just as amoral as my brother making me a sandwich just because i told him to (note - i said amoral not immoral, which is different - though i believe it is often, if not usually, immoral to act amorally). in either case, the person is choosing to follow someone else and not choosing for themselves.


---------------------

after hours of pondering the commandments of god in his byu dorm, ammon johnson jumps out of his room. "i got it! i figured it out! we can take our girlfriends to vegas, get married, have sex all night, get it annulled the next day, and god can't lay a finger on us. i found a loophole in his commandments! yippee!!!

while this may be an extreme example, this points out another problem i see in modern christianity (particularly mormonism). legalism is what plagued the jews of christ's time and plagues much of institutional religion today. this is the notion that right and wrong can be prescribed by specific instructions and commandments and that god evaluates us and determines our salvation by how strictly we follow them. the sermon on the mount was a condemnation of this legalism. jesus basically taught us to forget about the laws and commandments and start living their underlying morals. too often people treat morality as if there was a list in heaven of all the commandments and god sits back and checks them off one by one as we keep or break them. morality becomes equated with the outward appearances instead of the inner motives.

furthermore, it seems that too many people have a hard time understanding the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. too often i hear the spirit of the law being described as the extra laws around the letter of the law. dozens of little rules concerning what can and can't be done on sundays are made under the guise of the spirit of the law. byu honor codes are similarly constructed. movie ratings, alcohol in cough medicines, chocolate, clothing, music, etc. are all limited under the guise of the spirit of the law. little laws created to protect us from the greater laws. the spirit of the law is quite the opposite however. the spirit of the law shouldn't be understood as further restrictions, but should be understood as the underlying morals of commandments. the spirit of the law should make us an active force in doing instead of a restrictive policy in not doing. once again this is the topic of christ's masterful sermon on the mount. if we can live the underlying morals, then there is no need to even have commandments. if we treat others as persons instead of objects to lust after, there is no need to worry about the law of chastity and what two people can or can't do.

what is the difference between byu security officers and byu coeds? when the security officers say stop, they mean it.

on the flipside, there are those who disregard any notion of the spirit of the law and and just think only about the letter. this is especially prevalent with sex and happy valley. certain lines are drawn, and as long as they are kept, everything is fine. levi-lovin', petting, and the works are all ok as long as the clothes stay on and there is no penetration. instead of the spirit of seeing others as persons, they continue to treat each other as fleshy objects for their personal gratification.


--------------------------------


john 8
when jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
she said, no man, lord. and jesus said unto her, neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

alma 36
now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, i cried within my heart: o jesus, thou son of god, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
and now, behold, when i thought this, i could remember my pains no more; yea, i was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
and oh, what joy, and what marvelous light i did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
yea, i say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. yea, and again i say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.

to repent literally means to change directions. it's a change of heart. a new way of living. a recognition of the past and a new beginning. neither do i condemn thee: go, and sin no more. few, more beautifully powerful words, were spoken by jesus. he saw her heart. even if she had not really repented, jesus still did not condemn her. he recognized that repentance is a personal thing, and urged her to continue on. alma the younger's repentance is probably my favorite section in the book of mormon. like most of us, he found himself forced to see what he had done. however, he was not forced to repent. alma recognized how he had hurt others and felt like crap for it. in that moment of his struggle, he realized what he had done, and sought to be free of it. his freedom came in an instant. it wasn't a drawn out process. it wasn't a scripted plan of repentance. it was a personal change of heart. a recognized past and a new beginning.

the legalism of commandment keeping has carried forward into repentance in the church today. no longer a go and sin no more or a moment of forgiveness, repentance (especially for so-called abominations) is a drawn out process. if christ had followed the scripted repentance plan today, john 8 would have looked much different.

she said, no man, lord. and jesus said unto her, neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more and read the miracle of forgiveness, and don't take the sacrament for a year, and give me your temple recommend, and don't have any more callings, and we'll need to have a disciplinary council, and don't pray in church meetings, and do this for a year, and we'll see how you are then to see if god will forgive you or not.

alma the younger's beautiful account of his repentance would have been a list no more motivating than the lists of who begat who.

a while back, i erased most of the references to my disfellowshipment a few years ago. i screwed up. i did something wrong. it came crashing back at me and i felt like crap. a loving bishop helped me realize that what i had done was in the past. i had recognized what i had done and needed to move on. neither do i condemn thee: go, and sin no more. i loved my bishop. i felt so alive and happy. better than i had felt in a long time. i wanted to jump on the roof and tell everyone how awesome it felt. yes, it was that good. alma the younger's experience fit me perfectly.

then my bishop pulled out his church handbook of instructions. the church handbook of legalistic procedures. suddenly, my repentance wasn't good enough. i wasn't good enough. repentance, forgiveness, and freedom wasn't the instanteous experience alma the younger encountered. it had to be a long drawn out process. for a year, i was told that i wasn't good enough to hold a calling. i wasn't good enough to pray in meetings. i wasn't good enough to take the sacrament, or go to the temple, or participate with everyone else. i was tainted and needed to stay on the outside as an observer.

the beauty and power of repentance and forgiveness had been replace with a legalistic structure of set instructions, punishments, rules, and regulations.


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2 nephi 2
wherefore, men and women are free
men and women are that they might have joy

as interesting as it is, i disagree with much of lehi's views of laws, consequences, and sin. however, i do i agree with him that we are free and that is the key to joy. if true joy and happiness are found in living morally, then true joy can only be accompanied with true moral living. as i have mentioned before, moral living does not consist of following laws and commandments. it's found in making actual moral choices. these are decisions that have to be made by oneself. this is the spirit of the law. the underlying motivation beneath the commandments. while outward appearances and actions can be forced, the inner motivations have to come from within. it's something personal. something that can't be judged by others. morality can only exist with real freedom.


--------------------------------------


john 13
a new commandment i give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

where most of my post has been fairly analytic, this is where it ends. love. i don't know how to describe it. i don't know what exactly it is. love just is. the commandment of love can only be followed freely. a person cannot love because they were commanded to. they can't be forced to love. it has to come from within. this is the spirit of the law. every commandment should be understood as an extension of love. we need to love each other as persons. as children of god. as persons who have every right to life and happiness. it's the key to everything. love is what it means to be a christian. to be a disciple of christ. jesus was the exemplar of loving others. he showed how to love. if love could be personified, it'd be him. love is where joy is found. love is what the gospel is all about.



-------------------------------------


i'd like to bear my testimony that i know the church is true. i love my mom and dad and my brothers and sisters. i know that joseph smith is a true prophet. in the name of jesus christ, amen.

i used to have the simple testimony of a child. i don't anymore. i don't really have a testimony. there isn't really anything that i can say i know. however, there is something in my gut. i'm not sure what it is saying or what it means. beliefs are funny things, you can't just turn them on and off. they are just sometimes there or they sometimes aren't. we still live by our beliefs. whether it's the belief that someone is really a friend, the belief that some icecream will taste as good as it did the previous time, that a relationship will work out, that a person will overcome an illness, or that your alarm will go off in the morning, we live and act on out beliefs all the time. sometimes we beliefs turn out for the better, sometimes for the worse.

i believe that christ lived the life of love. the life we need to try to emulate. i believe in the atonement. i'm not exactly sure what it is, or what i believe about it, but something about it is still inside me. i know i said things quite to the contrary, but i believe in god. again, not sure who or what god is, but my gut says god is. i believe there is hope. that there is hope in religion and in the world. and, yes, i believe there is hope in the church. hope that the extra baggage and such that has over-burdened it can be lifted, and that the underlying gospel of love (which i believe is there) can free itself and be the basis of everything again.

i don't know exactly what awaits for me. i'm not sure where my spirituality will take me. i believe there is a place for a communal spiritualtity. however, i first need to strenghten my personal spirituality before i can even think about sharing it within a community of believers.

today

well, i had plans to write up a long post about slave morality, legalistic ethics, freedom, and christian love, but now i am much too tired. instead, here is a gay list of things that made today a good one.

1. work didn't really really suck
2. there was a bitchin rain and lightning storm.
3. got a good work out at the gym
4. put highlights back into my hair (though i think it's a bit more blonde than when i used to do it)
5. survived all three close-calls from being on the recieving end of car/pedestrian accidents
6. bobby's back
7. hung out with some friends
8. got paid

wow. my posts are really beginning to suck. if things don't get better, i may have to open this up for guest posts.



i may begin an attempt at church-hopping tomorrow. not sure yet. though, i'm sure i'll say something tomorrow about it if i do.

there is, i just didn't do a good job at finding it

ok, so i didn't quite succeed in my quest today. i did however have some moments that made me smile.

1. an old lady came into my store. didn't complain. wasn't stupid. and she called me sweetie.

2. discovered why the kid who looks like he's wearing makeup constantly purchases and returns hardrives. upon inspecting the contents of one of his harddrive, it was completely filled with p0rn. it's rather sad, but gave us all a good chuckle.

3. this is rather simple. and may have not meant much to those involved. but it's always fun to talk with a good friend.

yes loyd, there is some good in the world

i've realized that i have become quite the pessimist on this site lately. it just seems that lately, the ugliness and bad of the world has been prevalent wherever i look. not exactly the best way to view the world. so instead, i'm going to find some good in it.

this may seem a little gay, but i decided that i'm going to try to find three things every day that are good in the world... three things that make me smile and give me hope, and write about them.

the only problem is that i work most of the day. i'm sure though that if i look, i can find them.

having an empty apartment for yourself is only fun and relaxing for so long. eventually it just gets lonely and boring.



....of course it's been nice having a couch all to myself for all my reading and napping desires.

loyd and derek's excellent adventure

according to the biologist edward o. wilson, we as humans feel more at peace in nature because that has been the habitat for us through 95% of our human existance. for only a small part of our habitation of the earth, have we been living in this concrete and steel world that we've created. though sometimes the city may be comforting and accommodating, it's in nature where we truly feel peacefully at rest.

taking wilson's advice, derek and i headed up provo canyon and hiked to stewart's cascades. the weather was perfect with a nice drizzle of rain (though we never got the downpour i was hoping for). alongside the trail, everything was full of green and other bright colors. a sharp contrast to the black, grey, and brown of happy valley. snow packs and shredded and broken trees marked the paths of several avalanches that ripped apart some parts of the forest. even through the destruction caused by the snow, there was a brilliant level of tranquility that can't be found among our ruins of concrete and asphalt.


-------------------------

arriving back among our manufactured surroundings, i was quickly reminded of how much better nature is. we pulled into the mcdonald's drive-thru and i think the girl there called me a dick for no reason at all. how rude.

--------------------------

though i have recently lost a lot of weight, everytime i see a picture of myself, i am reminded of my mom writing me on my mission and telling me that my face is round. i think she gave me a complex. that's why i rarely smile in photos. it makes my face rounder.

weather report

this morning's weather is puzzled with a slight chance of confusion.



sounds like a good day for a hike.

the curious incident

i finished the curious incident of the dog in the night time by mark haddon yesterday. loved it. it has to be one of the simplest books ever, but that's what makes it so great. told through the perspective of christopher boone, an autistic fifteen year old, the book portrays him trying to make complete logical sense out of a world that isn't so simple.

reading it reminded me much of a conversation of that a friend and i had the other night. too often we try to see the world in as either/or polarized opposites. it must be one way, or it must be another. something is either absolutely true, or it is absolutely false. yes or no. black or why. right or wrong. however, the world doesn't always work that way. things are constantly changing. the world and our place in it is continuously flowing. like christopher, when we try to force the world into this dichotomy, we eventually find ourselves curled up into a closet, groaning, and trying to seperate ourselves from the complexities of the world. it's up to us to make sense of the constant change and either grow with it, or lose ourselves in stubborness and ignorance.

reason #212 why i don't like old people

"derrrrrr. derrrrrrrrr. i'm too old to understand how credit cards work. derrrr. what's going on? i'm lost. i'm old and lost. why do i need to sign this? why does this cost so much? what is a rebate? derrrrrr. this is all too complicated. just give me my money back. derrrrr. what do you mean it's already been processed? derrrrrr. just cancel it. derrrrr. what will you give me to show what you are doing? derrrrrr......"

tidbits

just finished watching taxi driver with my buddy derek. decided i need to be more optimistic about humanity today, or else i might end up stocking up on guns and killing a bunch of pimps.


over at by common consent, there is an interesting discussion of historicity in mormonism. dennis potter has some interesting ideas that have been floating aroudn in my head for the past couple years. he articulates them much better though. check out round one and round two.


i think i'm going to try attending all three days of the sunstone symposium this year. my first sunstone was last year and i really enjoyed it, though i felt young there - very young. july 27th-29th. students are free.

nine inch nails is coming to salt lake on october 4th. last time they were in town was the night before i got home from my mission. missed them by that much. not gonna happen this year.


time for bed.

and then...

i realized that i had gone a day without posting anything. because this has almost become a daily journal for me, i figured i'd write about my day like i did in my journals when i was in elementary school.

today i woke up. and then i read for a while. and then i took a shower. and then i got dressed. and then i went to work. work was mostly boring. and then i came home for my lunch, but i wasn't hungry so i didn't eat. and then i went back to work. and then i hung out with jesica. and then it was late so i went to bed.

that seemed rather boring. might as well spice it up a bit and make it more exciting.

today i woke up because someone was knocking at the door. so i answered the door and it was chuck palahniuk and johnny depp. and they asked me if they could use my bathroom. and after they were done, we sat and talked about fight club and charlie and the chocolate factory and wittgenstein. and then they had to go. and then i took a shower with natalie portman. and then i went to work. at work, some guy with a machine gun tried to rob the store, but i used my ninja skills and chopped his gun in half with a flying kick. and then i knocked his head off with a punch. and then everyone was safe and called me their hero. and then i went home to lunch and ate a whole cheese pizza all by myself. and then i went back to work where five different old guys said "f*ck you" to me. and then i partied all night long. and then i wrote this.

however, while this was more than exciting, this post seemed a little creepy and (believe it or not) dishonest. so i thought i'd write as if this was a diary.

dear diary,
i'm not sure what [ . . ... . . . . .. . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . edited . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. . . . . . . .. . . . .. ... .. . . .. . . . .. . .. . . . . . .] like crap.

while honest, it was probably a little too dramatic and i feel that some thoughts need not be put on public display. so i thought i'd try my hand at writing scripture.

1. and it came to pass that i woke up and verily,verily it was already light outside.
2. and it came to pass that i read the words of some books and after reading the words of some books i tooketh a shower and having thus taketh a shower, i was clean. yea, i was cleansed by the soap and the water.
3. and it came to pass that after being cleansed by the soap and the water, i girded my loins with the armor of compusa and droveth to work.
4. and verily, verily i say unto you that man hath no charity unto those who worketh at compusa.
5. and thus having spent my day working, i returned unto my home and hangeth outith with my friend.
6. and it came to pass that i did sleep.

mormon did a much
better job. i'm japanese.
here is a haiku.

i woke up today.
and then i went to my work.
cannot wait for school.

can't really say much with just seventeen syllables. here's another stab at poetry.

another day.
much like the last, but
with slight differences.
a seemingly endless cycle
of cycles
of cycles.

ok, that sucked. i really wish i could write poetry, but when all you really know is shel silverstein, it doesn't give you much of a background. there are a dozen more ways to write about my day, but like me, you are probably already bored with it. today will most likely be a repeat of yesterday. that seemingly cyclical life. however, got some fun planned for saturday. so it's not all that repetitive. of course that may all just be a part of a larger cycle.
oh well.

day off

there are different ways of expressing oneself. take my dad, for example. when we go to a mexican restaurant he will always ask for the hottest sauce. he says, "get me the stuff that the chef keeps underneath the front seat of his car." and the waitress would get really scared and hold each other's hands when dad would splash his food with it. and then, out of nowhere, sweat would drip all over the table cloth. sometimes he would even cry. i guess that is how he dealt with life or something. sometimes, i wish that dad would talk more, express his feelings. but until then, i want him to just keep eating that damn hot sauce.
-robert hamburger

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got the day off, though not entirely sure how to spend it. us humans are silly creatures (or at least i am). when we are working or busy with school or whatever, all we want is to be home, relaxing and doing nothing. as soon as we aren't busy, we get bored and want to be at work or school, busy with studying, and stressing out. then we repeat the cycle.

i'll be meeting with one of my favorite professors in a little bit. it was something of his that i read on my mission that first got me interested in philosophy. i just want to talk with him about how he has dealt with doubts and such in his life and studies.

i can't wait until fall when i'm too busy with school to waste time with all of these nonsensical posts. while they have helped me sort out my thoughts, i sometimes feel like i am leaving myself too open and leaving any sort of mystery out of me. i was watching unbreakable the other night with a friend. after the movie, we were talking about what special powers it would be nice to have. i first thought of the ability to read minds, but then it was noted that such a power would take out so much from our social experiences. (okay, i really first thought about the ability to communicate with vegetables). if we could read minds, then the mystery and discovery of getting to know people would be gone. i wonder if i'm doing that to myself here at times.


in other news, i finished the other two books i had been reading. real ultimate power: the official ninja book was hilarious and really cool. and by cool, i mean totally sweet. evil: a primer was... well.... evil. while it was interesting, reading about the concepts of evil and evil people and evil whatever for so many pages got to be a bit depressing.




up next i've got the curious incident of the dog in the night-time by mark haddon which is supposed to be a story told from the perspective of an autisitic child investigating the death of a dog. i'll also be reading wittgenstein's poker which is about the philosophers karl popper and ludwig wittgenstein and how their differing philosophies grew into an eventual argument involving a furnace poker.

sunday morning, i read a paper by keith lane in the society for mormon philosophy and theology's journal, element, about a wittgensteinian approach to philosophy of religion. it seemed really interesting and involved some of the things i have been thinking about recently. i'll be taking a class on wittgenstein this fall from brian birch who's specialty is just that. so i'm excited about that.

patriarchal blessing

i was laying in bed trying to sleep and noticed a folded piece of paper right above my head. it was my patriarchal blessing. haven't read it for a while. haven't wanted to read it for a while. refused to read it for a while. i figured i might as well read it tonight.

my grandpa gave me my patriarchal blessing. growing up, i didn't want to get my blessing from him. i just thought he was a mean, stubborn, old man. i was right. however, as i got older i learned that there was more to him. he is also well read, insightful, loving (in his grumpy old man sort of way), experienced, and a man who really tries to do what he feels is right - no matter what others may say or think. i gained much respect for him and, right before my mission, asked him to give me my blessing.

as i read it tonight, i was amazed at how relevant it seems to me right now. sure, i sometimes feel the same way with my weekly horoscope. make things vague enough and they'll always tend to fit. however, this seemed to ring even truer to me. my current struggles and my searching seemed to be the theme of it all. search for truth. search for truths. truths. truths. knowledge. understanding. study. true. search. truths. thoughts. search. it seemed to emphasize the process of searching and not the actual attaining. something i need to continue and not quit. there were some other things too. things i'd rather not write about, but things i perhaps needed to hear (or read i guess).

my grandpa knew me pretty well. he knew the kind of person i was growing up. horoscopes can be crafted in such a way to make them seem pertinant to us personally. there could be plenty of explanations. we often hear and see what we want to hear and see.

or maybe like my last post, the answer is simple. so simple that i have a hard time grasping it. too simple to just accept. too simple to intellectually understand.

experiences

through all of this, there are experiences that still remain. things that i can either accept and understand as i understood them then, that i can review and try to explain away, or that i can somehow revision and find in them a new meaning.

in the spring of my junior year of high school, i hurt my back. really hurt my back.

i'm not sure how it happened. my only guess was that i did it lifting weights after school. at first it was just some minor pain that just wouldn't go away. nothing to cry over. it was more of an annoyance. sitting or standing too long were a burden. the brief motion between the two came with clenched eyes and a quick grimace of discomfort. i lived with it for a month and didn't think much of it.

in that time, my grandmother died. my mom's mom. i had only met her in her tokyo home three times and had never been able to breach the cultural and linguistic divide that seperated us. she was no more to me than a stranger and i thought little of it. she obviously meant much more to my mother who was preparing to fly to japan for a week with my dad for her funeral. before they left, my parents wanted me to see a doctor about my back. the doctor assured them that it was only a strained muscle, that x-rays were not needed, and that they had nothing to worry about while they were away. with my older brother chris away at byu, my parents left me in charge of my younger brother bobby and flew off to japan.

thats when things got much worse.

a day or so later after they left, on a thursday night, i was at a youth activity playing some sort of crab-soccer game or something. afterwards, my back began to hurt much worse. friday was a little more painful. saturday, it hurt to get around. on sunday, i could barely walk. i remember being at church that day and just hating every step i took. with each step or motion, a shot of pain fired out my lower back and spread to every point of my body. my friends' mothers all came to me seeing if i was ok. i assured them that i was fine and that they had nothing to worry about. inside, i worried. i had no idea what was going on and was scared of how to deal with it. i cut home early that day, laid in my bed, and tried to ignore the pain.

as the day dragged on, the level of pain seemed to increase exponentially. every bit of movement cause an increasing burst of pain. i sent bobby to his friend's house next door because i didn't want him to see me in pain and get scared. one of us scared was enough. i laid there hoping things would get better, but it didn't seem it would.

at around 7:30 that night, my body decided it couldn't handle it and i went into shock. suddenly i felt really cold and my body began to violently shiver. the shaking made things absolutely unbearable. it hurt so bad. i was so scared and didn't know what to do. i remember starting to cry. i just wanted it to end. all i could think to do was pray. i distinctly remember the words i said out loud...

oh jesus. help me. i don't know what to do. please help.

in the middle of those words, a sudden peace came over me. my body relaxed and stopped shaking. the pain was still there, but it didn't affect me. i felt safe. within minutes i fell asleep.

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the next morning, i called chris and he came up from byu to drive me to the doctor. x-rays revealed that i had fractured my fourth or fifth lumbar. the doctors told me that i must be in a lot of pain. i assured them that i was.

for several months i walked like an old man. hand behind my back, walking slowly, and complaining with ever step. it wasn't until mid-july that the doctors gave me permission to run with the football team again. it was an experience i wish i never had, but at the same time one that i cherish and hold close to me.

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while writing this, i found my face wet with tears. i'm not sure what it all means. maybe there is a simple explanation to it all. maybe there isn't. maybe it's simple because it's something any child could explain to me. something so simple, i have a hard time grasping it. i don't know.

on lunch.

was supposed to go clubbing tonight, but don't know if i am.

one friend can't go, other friend will probably just drink himself stupid.

don't feel like hauling his drunk butt around.

don't feel like dancing alone.

not into the whole grinding scene.

prolly won't go then.

what to do.

ramen is done.

must eat and go back to work.

not sure why i typed this all out.

the stranger

finished albert camus' the stranger today. i'm not much of a literary critic, so there isn't too much i can say about it. i can say that i loved the book and am glad that i'm a person who feels and cares for others. a life void of love and relationships just seems so empty and sad.

i've got a shipment from amazon coming in soon, so i'll try to knock off at least one of the other books i'm reading before i start another novel.

goodbyes

we’re almost there now. i can see the cheap white sears siding and black trim of my house. i left today to get away from home, but now i just want back. i feel like a little kid. i want my mom and dad. they can always make me better. they always seem to make things better for me. as i approach the house, i say bye to jr, trying to hold back the tears. i don’t have to be tough at home. i step though the front door and close it behind me. as soon as i see my dad, i can’t hold back and the tears of frustration and anger bust through the dam holding them back.

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i went up to my brother's house for dinner tonight. my parents are staying there tonight before they head off early this morning for their new home in virginia. after eating and chatting for a while, i gave them both a hug, told them i loved them, wished them a safe trip, and quickly left. it wasn't hard. it wasn't sad. i didn't feel anything. it was just a see ya later. i could tell it wasn't as easy for them though.

as i was driving away, i could see my parents standing by the door of the house. standing and watching until the last glimpse of me was gone. suddenly i recalled 13 or so years ago. i had just had a nasty mountain biking accident and was desperately trying to make it home. literally covered with blood from head to foot, there was nothing i wanted more than to be with my parents. there was a safety and peace there that i could find nowhere else.

my car turned a corner and they were gone from the reflection in my rearview mirror. that's when it hit me. i'll miss them.

my folks are moving

today is my day off from work, so i drove up to draper to have some lunch with my dad. i'm really glad i did. for a while, i wanted to pretty much avoid him before he moved, but i figured he deserved much more than that. once i made the decision that i wanted to talk with him, the feeling that things would be uncomfortable disappeared. i guess that's some proof that how i feel about certain things really are up to myself and not something i'm thrown into.

before heading back, i stopped by my parents house to see it completely empty. though i had only lived there for a few months after my mission and never really considered it home, it was a tad bit depressing to see it that way. i guess in some ways it had become a haven to retreat to when i wanted to get away from something. my parents moving either hasn't hit me yet, or it has and is no big deal. sure i'll miss them, but being away from home for so long now and only seeing them sparsely every couple months or so (even though they were only a 15 minute drive away) makes it seem like not such a big deal. it was reassurring though, knowing that they were available when i needed them.

maybe seeing them drive off tomorrow morning will have a little more impact. i guess i'll see.

never say never

something that i learned some time ago, but struggle with maintaining, is the notion that i cannot reference absolutes. perhaps there is an absolute truth out there. however, if there is, i can't know it nor reference it outside of my paradigm - my worldview which is constructed by my background, experiences, studies, pre-conceived notions and everything else. this doesn't mean that any search is futile, but rather that it needs to begin with an understanding that any progression in understanding is going to be built on previous understandings. unless i can completely remove a memory, that experience will always be there giving new meaning to everything else. with every new experience, every new understanding, viewpoint, analysis, discovery, and idea, my worldview has changed in some way. i can't go back to where it was.

i think this is part of the absurdity of life that camus speaks of. it's the reality that besides direct sensual contact and a sense of self, there are no certainties. however, that doesn't mean we need to sit back and say 'screw it'. grasping the absurdity is what gives us life. it's what enables us really be free. it's by seperating ourselves from absolutes that we can move forward. sure, we live with what we understand the world to be. that is the only way to be true to ourselves, but we also need to act as though we may be wrong. by asserting that there are some absolutes, we bind ourselves to those notions and prohibit further growth and understanding from something new.

i can't say that i "will never" or that i "will always". i don't know what the future holds. holding to either shuts me off from a myriad of possibilites. perhaps things can change. perhaps there is a way for me to do what i now think impossible. maybe i am wrong. maybe my worldview is stunted by my own intellectual pride and false notion of certainty. maybe my feelings say more than i give credit.

or maybe not.

new book

like i said, among wolves was a short read. work was dead enough that i was able to finish it there today. the book was an enjoyable read, though it pretty much leaves every question you have about the story unanswered. next up is the stranger by the one and only albert camus.

i have seen this ad for some christian dating service in several places recently. i'm pretty sure that i am not the only one who is more than slightly perplexed by this. there just seems to be a sort of contradiction of values played out in this ad. i'm not sure if this is indicative of the decline of moral values in christianity or a sign that christianity is what is chic today. it just seems a little odd.

or maybe i'm just too old school ;)

honesty part 2

i think it’s even harder to be honest with those that we care the most about. even though honesty should be the basis of trust that we build relationships on, we fear that honesty will damage a relationship instead. it’s the fear of rejection, of failing and disappointing the ones we love, of getting hurt and hurting others. while we fear this, the results usually end up being the total opposite.

part 2 – me, myself, and others

we tend to deal with people in terms of our previous relationships. my last ‘relationship’ lacked a lot of honesty. we faked it and pretended that we were being honest with each other, but when the moment came that it was most needed, i was shut down. real, honest discussions were not allowed and the onset of one was quickly recognized and violently ignored or rejected. i soon learned to shut my mouth, avoid honesty, and try to make things work. it never did, but the fear of being honest grew stronger and remained.

real friendships need honesty. without it, it is just a show. something to put on display for everyone (including ourselves) to see. often we say that actions speak louder than words, but i think that too often we use actions to replace honesty. probably because it’s much easier to hide behind something bigger and louder, we replace honesty with physical contact, silence, jokes, sarcasm, and flat out lies. the more a relationship gets built on these substitutes, the more unstable it becomes.

i haven’t been too honest with someone i care about. i was too scared to share my fears and feelings. instead i replaced them with these substitutes. before i knew it, i let confusion take control and drive things in wrong directions. the crazier it got, the more scared i became of being honest. it seemed so much easier to fake it and see where the current took us.

i don’t think it’s too late. some friendship are too important to ruin for fear of honesty.

honesty part 1

i’ve had some solo time in the canyons the last couple nights to think about things as well as an e-mail this morning from a good friend to confirm it all. i don’t know how to begin this, i just know that i need to. much of this website has been a façade hiding what has been going on in my life for the last long while. through exaggeration, sarcasm, and cryptic messages, i’ve been lying to myself and others. lately, i’ve been trying to break away from that, but in the process i’ve continued to not be honest to myself and others. i think it’s something we all do. we do it to protect ourselves, others, and the relationships we share. i think in the end, a lack of honesty tears all those things apart.

part 1 – my, myself, and god.

this may come as a startle to some of you. to others, it may be no surprise. for the last year or so i’ve struggled with my belief in god and religion. some blame may blame it on the uvsc philosophy department, but they shouldn’t. this probably would have happened either way. i can’t really explain how it all started. there was no real beginning. one day it was just there. for some reason, i just couldn’t get god to fit into the world view that i had come to see the world as. i kept going to church. i said my nightly prayers. i read my scriptures. put my garments on every day, but it somehow lost all meaning. besides the prayers and scripture reading, it all became a routine. though i still found praying and reading scriptures beneficial, they had eventually lost all divine aspects and just became modes of self-reflection and meditation.

after i moved to a new ward, i pretty much lost all desire to go to church. in my last ward, i hated going but went because it was expected of me. if i didn’t go, people would start asking questions and my bishop would most likely be knocking on my door. my idea of the ‘church’ and the ‘gospel’ seemed so different than what others were talking about in meetings. i’d bring books to entertain me through sacrament meeting and would try to be controversially thought-provoking during sunday school and priesthood. though i was questioning the divine origins of joseph smith’s theology, it was the thing that kept me hope. sure he may have had his faults, but he had a wonderful idea of community that brought a whole new meaning to religion and theology. the only problem was that in expressing this aspect of the gospel, i felt more and more like it was not what others around me saw in church.

i have heard that by sharing your testimony, it grows stronger. i tried to share it often. but inside my doubts of it kept growing stronger. suddenly it seemed i was telling others about my beliefs in god that i know longer understood or believed. i felt like i was lying to everyone including myself. intellectually, i created a view that god no longer fit in. though my intellect said ‘no’, there was still something that said something else. i’m not sure what it said. i’m not sure what it meant. it was a sort of yearning. this hope that there has got to be something more to life than live and die.

lying about things can sometimes be so much easier than being honest about them. i lied to my family and friends about my testimony. i assured everyone that it was as strong as it could be. by lying to others, i also lied to myself. why confront the problem, when it is so much easier to just lie to myself about it?

some time ago, i met someone that i felt like i could talk to about this. it felt good being honest. i felt like a burden that had been wearing me down for a long time and it was finally lifted. in telling her how i felt, i had also told myself how i had felt. it scared me. my whole life had seemed to be built around the church. suddenly, i was admitting to myself that it was no longer the same. i felt lost and confused for a while. in some ways i wish i hadn’t said anything. that’s why we are scared of being honest. it liberates in some ways, but hurts us in others.

i told my dad about my feelings when i was done telling my friend. i was scared to, but i felt like i needed to. he was the person i had lied to the most about this. my dad loves me. a lot. and it was wonderful to know that he loved me either way. however, i let that become a wedge between us. my dad was calling me all the time (something i need to learn to avoid doing) and sending me e-mails with articles and testimonies. it felt like he was trying to fix me. as if i was broken and in need of repair.

maybe i am broken. maybe i do need repair. but this is something i need to find out for myself. nobody can fix me. it’s something i have to do.

in the process of being honest, i quickly found how scary it could be and turned back to the security of lying. having already busted out the truth, i had to alter my lie. i had to protect my integrity and world view. to those who knew my doubts, i’d lie and say that it was no struggle. that it was completely liberating. that i no longer needed god or any of that in my life. i lied about the emptiness i felt. i lied about the yearning i have for something more. i lied about my gut telling me something.

so here i am. i’m not exactly sure where that is. i don’t think i really enjoy where i am, but i’m not sure exactly where i want to go. i’ve got to figure out what my gut is saying to me. to sort things out. to be completely honest with myself and others.

new book

of whom and of what indeed can i say: "i know that!" this heart within me i can feel, and i judge that it exists. this world i can touch, and i likewsie judge that it exists. there ends all my knowledge, and the rest is construction.

i just finished albert camus' the myth of sisyphus and other essays. i enjoyed it, but not as much as i liked the rebel. it was a good introduction to his notion of the absurd life which he later expands on in the latter book. he seemed to rely a lot on dostoevsky (which i have never read) and kafka (i've on read the trial) , so i was a bit lost when he referred to them, especially in his discussion of the absurd and fiction.





next up is scott o'conner's among wolves, which is about... i'm not sure. it's supposed to be good though. it's also a very short read, so i should easily finish it this weekend if not sooner.

hitting the limit

and what is your zipcode? i'll need you to slide your card through there.

i've hit my limit at compusa. i don't want to do it anymore. it's the last place i want ot be in the world. sure it pays ok. but there is more to life than money.

returns have to be made within the next 21 days. once software is open, we can only exchange it for the same software. have a great day - (fake a smile)

i stand around. i help a few customers. reason 168 comes in and tells me that i am bullsh** and that he's gonna call gephardt on me. reason 183 seems to take all day writing out a check for a three dollars and eighteen cents. reason 192 yells at me and then asks me if i want to be added to his will. reason 73 steps too close and i'm scared of getting cancer from tobacco smell fuming off her clothes. reason 112 most likely just crapped themself.

(phone rings) - thanks for calling compusa. this is loyd. how can i help you this morning? "my name is bob douchebag from saratoga springs and i was calling because i have a question."

the phone rings over and over again. as soon as i finish up with one, the phone rings again. everybody wants to tell me their name and where they live, as if i cared. everyone wants to tell me that they have a question, as if i thought they might have just called to talk about life.

we only handle returns and exchanges within 21 days from their purchase. if an item is open, we need the original reciept, packaging, and contents. you bought this seven months ago. you don't have a reciept. you don't have any of the packaging, accesories, manuals, or cds. i'm sorry, but we can't return it. (we stare at eachother for a moment of eternity). "so what can you do for me?" i'm sorry but this is completely out of our return policy. there is nothing i can do. "can i talk to a manager?"

i look at the clock. i help some more customers. i print up an audit. forever passes. i look at the clock again. three minutes. not forever, just three minutes. i feel like i'm never going to get out.

(paging) can i have a team-member from hardware to laptop accesories for customer service please?

i think about how much good i have done for the world with this job. the answer is zero. no, the answer isn't zero. it's in the negatives. not only have i not done any good in the world here, i have been destroying it by feeding the capitalist monster.

i'm sorry, but i distinctly told you that if this software was open that we can only exchange it for the very same software. i'm sorry that you didn't carefully read the specs of the software before you spent eighty dollars and opened it. (i'm really not that sorry - she cries - i don't care)

this place has left me practically hating humanity. everyone feels like they need to be special and that the rules shouldn't apply to them. everyone feels like they should not have to take responsibility for their actions. it's a sad disease that infects this valley.

i'm sorry that you threw away the box before you cut out the proof of purchase for your rebate. no, we cannot give you your hundred dollar rebate in cash. no, we cannot return it without the packaging. "can i speak with a manager?"

these are the kids who cry at the grocery store until their parents by them the barbie doll, toy car, or candy bar. now they're all grown up. the one lesson they learned growing up is that if you cry long enough, yell loud enough, and make a big enough scene - you can have whatever you want in this world.

here's you credit card. i just need you to sign right here.

it's the same thing over and over again. day after day. week after week. i'm not a person, i'm a robot programmed to follow a routine. like waking up and showering. the same thing every day. over and over and over. lather. rinse. repeat.

for this keyboard, we offer a two-year replacement guarantee for only seventeen-ninety-nine. so if it breaks or stop working over the next two years, bring it over to this or any compusa and we'll swap it out for a brand new one.

i need something that will be rewarding. something that will make me feel like i'm doing some good in the world. that's why i want to be a professor. i want to be able to touch lives and help people learn and see the world in a different way. i want to tutor or mentor this summer. something like that.

good evening compusa customers. the time is now 8:45 and that means that your orem compusa will be closing in approximately fifteen minutes. if you could bring all of your final purchases to the front registers for prompt processing, that would be greatly appreciated. once again, your orem compusa will be closing in fifteen minutes.

it's time to start looking for something else. any ideas?

stuff

i kinda miss when i could write whatever i wanted on this thing and not have to worry about who reads it. unfortunately this has now become too public for that. i don't even think i could write it cryptic enough to hide things. so instead, here are some fill-in-the-blanks...

i'm confused with how things ___________________________.
it feels good that i have become more honest with myself and some others about ___________________.
i hope that ____________________________________.
i need to stop worrying about _____________________________.
i've gotten really frustrated with ______________________________.
last weekend, i had probably the _____________________________.





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something that i can be completely open about is a new musician i have discovered this last week. iron and wine. this guy is absolutely amazing. he perfoms the cover of postal service's such great heights on the garden state soundtrack.